10th August, help

It’s been quite the week for Ben. And while he’s taken the huge step of talking and reaching out, I think it’s also clear there is still a way to go before Ben feels comfortable enough to talk about everything that’s bothering him.

The morning after Ballum’s late night conversation, Callum checks in on Ben to ask if he’s still up for going to counselling. And right now Ben is still up for it – he explains that he’s been looking online to see how it all works, and that he needs a referral which he’s booked in for that afternoon. Callum is clearly bursting with pride; he tells Ben that’s brilliant and reaches out to touch his hand, so pleased that Ben’s doing this for himself.
Jay comes in then, and Ben hands him a cup (his own West Ham mug, no less) and comments on how he looks like he could use it. We then learn Jay hasn’t been sleeping well lately. Ben tells him he won’t be in that afternoon so he can use it to get ahead on the bet they made about the number of cars they can sell, while Jay jokes that Ben’s clearly already had enough of flogging cars. Ben tells Jay he’s doing a favour for Kat by way of explaining where he’ll be that afternoon, and Jay doesn’t ask any more questions. Instead he shouts to Lexi to get up, and when he’s left the room Ben turns to Callum with a hint of a smile, as if checking that he heard him planning the afternoon off to go to the referral.
Callum says again that he thinks it’s great Kat’s going with him; and Ben wonders if maybe Callum should come instead. It sounds like he wants Callum to be there, but Callum is very conscience of the fact that it should be whatever’s best for Ben, and he feels Kat should be there because she gets it. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be there, but he’s determined to put Ben first in all of this.
He maintains that he’s just glad Ben is going, and gives him a forehead kiss and leaves Ben looking a bit conflicted. Perhaps it’s because Callum knows the most out of everyone and Ben’s a bit hesitant to do it all again with two people who don’t know everything.

We finally get to the referral appointment, with Kat and Ben taking their seats. It’s immediately clear that Ben’s nervous and uncomfortable – he glares at the specialist as he pours himself a glass of water and lets the silence settle in. Kat tries to fill it, offering an introduction to the specialist herself, referring to herself as family and asking if it’s alright she’s here. Apparently it’s not typical, and the specialist says it should really be one-to-one so Ben feels comfortable saying whatever he wants, but Ben’s already shaking his head as she’s talking and informs her that Kat knows everything that’s happened so she stays. It’s not actually the truth but Kat doesn’t know that, and clarifies to the specialist that she’s been in Ben’s shoes, who acknowledges that Ben’s got a good support system around him. She goes on to talk about the form Ben had filled in with the background as to why he’s there, and asks him first of all how he’s been feeling.
Kat looks at Ben awaiting his answer, and Ben looks back at her, clearly internally panicking. He wasn’t exaggerating when he told Callum it’s difficult to talk about his feelings, and being asked so directly means he doesn’t really know where to start. He huffs out a laugh but it sounds frustrated, and after a moment he gets up to walk out. Kat calls after him though and starts talking about how she felt when it had happened to her. And Ben has stopped to listen, curious despite himself. She says she felt like part of her had been taken away – encouraging Ben to either agree or disagree. But he feels the same; that he’s lost part of him. He guesses that she felt she lost who she is, the implication being that that’s how he feels.
He’s coming back to sit down again now, and he feels silly, admitting he didn’t want to say anything because he thinks he doesn’t make sense. He’s assured by the specialist that he does, and that there’s no rush so he can take his time. Ben leans back, gathers his thoughts and he tries his best to articulate how he feels – he tells her he’s not the same person, admits that he thought things were getting better but he was only pretending, to everyone but mostly himself. And we as an audience saw that in real time, saw his various methods of distraction – drinking to excess, obsessively finding a cure for Lola, leaping at the chance to pay Jay and Lola’s debts, boxing, not eating. It was all just covering the root cause. He woke up everyday determined that things were going to be different… but obviously each day he was reminded that there are things he can’t control (not least his own feelings) and that’s so deeply linked to the rape. He admits how angry he gets about that, that he can’t control what happened that night and he can’t control how it’s made him feel long term as a result.
The specialist assures him that that feeling is common after what he’s been though – feeling a loss of control. Then she asks if Ben’s changed his normal habits or behaviour, and this is the perfect lead in to mention his eating disorder – but he doesn’t. And I’m not sure if that’s because Kat’s there, or because he’s not ready to give up the feeling of control that it gives him, or if he thinks if he gets help for the rape then he won’t need help for the ED, but it seems deliberate that it wasn’t brought up.
Instead, he makes a dry joke about how it’s normal for him not to be too pleasant to be around. Kat chuckles, having been on the receiving end of that behaviour quite a few times. She tells the specialist their family has been through a lot lately, prompting Ben to explain – and he does. That Lola, his daughter’s mum and his best friend, passed away from a brain tumour. The specialist offers her condolences and tells him it’s a lot for anyone to cope with. Ben’s struggling again now with the thought of talking about his feelings about that as well, admitting how he’s not good at it. Though I don’t think he gives himself enough credit personally for being strong enough to do this despite how he was brought up.
He can sense the specialist about to praise him for being brave, but that’s not what he’s looking for and tells her if she says that he’s darting out the door never to be seen again. But even though he doesn’t want to hear it, he is being brave. He acknowledges he’s not doing too well, and he’s not coping – and you can see how hard it is to say that, how overwhelmed it makes him. He whispers that he needs help; the bravest statement of them all. He’s spent over a year trying to manage this alone and now he’s admitting that it hasn’t worked and he’s fighting against years of Mitchell conditioning and the belief that people will think less of him in order to ask for the help he needs. Even Kat’s emotional at the admission.
He’s assured that he will get that help, that there is counselling available, both one to one and in a group. He’s still trying to come to terms with the fact that he’s asked for help – this is so alien to him. Kat suggests a group would be easier as she said before, because he won’t have to talk himself at first, just listen. And there’s merit in that, because this past week we’ve seen Ben respond to both Honey and Kat when they’ve shared their own experiences. Even in this scene, Kat managed to stop Ben walking out by talking about how she felt, and Ben identified with that. So it’s not a bad shout. Ben worries he’ll be the only bloke but he’s told it would be a same sex group. And I think that’s important for Ben too, because there are extra layers and stigma that comes with being a male victim and he’d be able to hear perspectives on that too.
In a stroke of luck that only really comes with being in a soap, Ben is told the referral can normally take a while but that there happens to be a cancellation slot in a group next week. He’s assured that the process will be as fast as possible to try and get him into that group. It’s a lot to take in for Ben and you can see it on his face. Kat thanks the specialist, who tells Ben he’s done the right thing. And poor Ben is full of emotion, at the enormity of the step he’s taken, relief at sharing some of his burden and the hope that he might get better; and also fear I’m sure, of the unknown or what he’ll have to go through to come out the other side.

Later, Ben and Kat sit in the Square post-assessment. It seems Kat didn’t want to leave him straight after, so is sitting with him to make sure he’s okay, and I love that. She promises not to call him brave, but can’t not let him know that he did really well, because it’s not easy doing something like that, speaking out loud. Ben also acknowledges that it can’t have been easy for Kat to readdress her trauma either in order to get through to Ben, but he’s glad she came with him. He invites her to the Vic for a drink that he’s having with Phil and Jay, but she says she’s got to get back to the cab office. But Ben feels compelled to stop her as she’s leaving and thanks her for today. He’s clearly really grateful that Kat helped him ask for help, and jokingly calls her stepmum, prompting Kat to call him stepson in return. They are cute when they’re not throwing thinly veiled insults at each other, aren’t they?

Finally, we’ve got a very interesting scene in the Vic. Firstly, we’ve got Billy there commenting on the fact that Jay’s out having a drink and assuring him that Lexi’s alright with Will, as he, Ben and Callum take their seats. From that, it sounds like relaxing is not something Jay’s done lately, and we then learn that Jay feels he needs to be with Lexi all the time, worried about stress possibly taking its toll on her. Billy tells him then that it’s great she’s got him looking out for her. All while Ben is sat right there – though you could put that down to Billy still being sore over Ben snapping at Honey earlier in the week.
Phil then comes over with a pint for Ben, seemingly over his own disappointment at him the day before. He had been worried about him earlier to be fair, and Kat had assured him that she was dealing with it and was looking out for him. So now he asks if he’s alright and mentions what Kat had said. Ben’s quick to cover, blowing a raspberry and claiming it was the other way round. Callum barely conceals a laugh too, knowing where Ben and Kat have been but respecting the fact that Ben isn’t ready to tell anyone just yet. Ben infers that it was a wedding related favour he was helping Kat with, which Phil seems to accept. When Phil walks off, Ben’s facade drops – keeping that up all the time must be exhausting. I’m also not sure whether Ben asked for the pint or if Phil just made an assumption that he’d be drinking it – but Ben does take a sip of it.
Callum checks in on him to ask how it was, and Ben tells him it was good, but doesn’t elaborate. Callum tells him again how proud he is of him, kisses him on the head and then gets up, telling Ben he’s going to give Phil a hand with the drinks.
With Callum gone, Jay scoots over and sounds disbelieving that Ben would be seeking wedding advice from Kat. Not sure it’s Ben seeking the advice but rather giving it (I’m sure we all wish he was seeking it!) but Ben pretends to be offended, asking if Jay is suggesting he doesn’t know his pastels from his autumnal hues – and Jay basically confirms it, that he doesn’t believe it.
Ben decides to tell him where he’s been – that it was a referral for a support group, for survivors of sexual assault. Jay shows his support, tells him it’s brilliant and knows that it would have taken guts for Ben to do that. Ben goes on to admit that sometimes Jay makes him jealous with how he deals with things, doing everything at the car lot and with Lexi. And Jay tells him that he’s just coping on autopilot, putting one foot in front of the other. Then he gets a text from Will to say that Lexi’s upset, and when Ben offers to go, his instinct to look after his daughter kicking in, Jay insists he stay and have his pint while he goes instead. He tells him again that he’s proud of him before leaving, and Ben’s face really says a lot about how he feels about that; about Jay taking over even when it would have done Ben a lot of good to go and see Lexi after going through the assessment. It feels like a lead in to something happening with Jay. We know he’s not been sleeping well, he’s said he’s on autopilot, and we learned that he wants to be with Lexi all the time and he’s now even stepping over Ben to do that. Sounds like a case of Jay clinging to Lexi as a distraction from thinking about Lola, or trying to be Lola so that he’s not thinking about the hole she’s left in their lives. It definitely feels off. And as for Ben, he’s clearly not okay with it and that’s still something he’s yet to admit to anyone.
Another thing is the counselling – it feels deliberate that Ben didn’t confess to his eating disorder to the specialist, which he may have done if Callum had been there. It makes me wonder where that’s going; if he goes through the group support and that leads into seeking help for the ED (maybe if another survivor mentions it and directs Ben to services that can help) or if it means Ben will continue to struggle with it for another while before it becomes unsustainable and at crisis point. It’s going to be really difficult for Ben, and he acknowledged it to Callum that he doesn’t know if he can stop, so maybe we’ll see that over the next while.

Perhaps we’ll see this group therapy session in the week ahead, or maybe not. But there are no Ballum spoilers this week, so any glimpse of them will be a surprise. It’ll be a quiet week anyway after all the content this week!