8th August, nothing like him

Well, talk about Pain with a capital P. But those boys do it so well. Poor Ben. Poor Callum.

Like Monday’s episode, we open in the flat. Callum’s made Ben toast and tea, and says good morning to him as Ben lies on the sofa. Not sure of the logistics of Ben being on the sofa – it would look as though Ben got up first and made his way into the front room and then Callum got up after and joined him; but then it’s weird Callum would make the tea and toast and then say good morning. And then we’ve got Jay coming in too from an unknown bedroom to say good morning, so who the hell knows.
Anyway, Ben waves away the toast, admitting to Callum that he feels tired as Callum sets his stuff on the table – the tea in the West Ham mug that’s clearly come to be Ben’s mug which I love.
Callum moves Ben’s leg to sit on the arm of the sofa, keeping a point of contact between his hand and Ben’s legs as he speaks to him about last night. He comments that Ben seemed off when he returned to the Vic – this being after Honey spoke to him through the door and he cried on the floor surrounded by the mess he made of the counter. He brushes that off as just exhaustion from the gym earlier in the day. Then Callum notices the broken frame and asks what happened, and Ben has to think up another excuse. It’s just like Honey said – all the hiding of what you’re doing and how you’re feeling is so mentally draining on top of the effects of the ED itself and the trauma it’s covering.
He puts it down to an accident with the gym bag and apologises, but Callum looks concerned and tries to press Ben to talk to him about what’s on his mind, because he can sense it. He’s always been able to sense something but hasn’t always known what he’s sensing or how to approach it. Ben tries a lighthearted shoulder shrugging response (which is so sad in itself because this has all been weighing on him for such a long time that it’s become the norm), but Callum mentions Honey again and the smile Ben’s painted on fades as he remembers what Honey knows and what she’s worked out. He eventually admits to Callum that he’d had a bad day the day before with everything going on, but assures him that today will be better. Callum leaves it there and smiles back at him. That’s when Jay wanders in and Ben greets him by goading him about being trounced at the car lot. Jay plays down Ben’s successful selling of one car and puts it down to the guy being a Drag Race fan; but as Ben says, it pays to know your Bimini from your Baga Chipz. His little dramatic flourish makes Callum smile, while Jay ups the stakes and proposes that whoever sells the most cars by the end of the week gets off cleaning duties for a month. Ben’s up for that challenge and accepts, before making a move towards the shower as he’s got cars to sell. But while he may think he’s avoided Callum’s concern, the look on Callum’s face says he’s not fully reassured that everything’s okay.

A bit later, Ben seems to have sealed a deal at the car lot as Callum, Jay and Lexi approach. Seems Ben got a head start on the day and he makes it known that he’s two cars ahead of Jay already. Callum offers to help Jay by teaching him how to attract the pink pound – he’s so unserious. Sounds like a reference to Ben selling to a Drag Race fan yesterday and is winding Jay up, but Ben doesn’t take the risk and warns Callum against giving Jay the tricks of the trade. After all, he doesn’t want to be washing Jay’s skiddy undies. I think we can safely assume that no matter who wins this competition, Callum will be doing most of the chores anyway. Jay protests the idea he’s got skiddy undies, and Callum shares a laugh with Ben and rubs his chest in parting, leaving him to continue his sales. At that point, Billy and Honey appear and Lexi runs to greet them. Ben’s obviously clocked them but he makes himself busy with the cars, not wanting to face Honey after yesterday. Honey approaches Callum and they make a bit of small talk about the party the night before, and then Callum asks Honey how Ben was last night when she was with him, showing that he’s still worried.
Ben can see them talking from across the lot, and even though Honey tells Callum that it’s down to Ben if he wants to tell Callum about anything that was going on, as soon as Callum leaves for work Ben is straight over to Honey, asking her what she’s just said to Callum. Honey tries to placate him but the paranoia is strong because Ben’s still so fearful of people finding out what he’s been doing, especially Callum. He doesn’t believe that Honey hasn’t said a word and he lashes out, shouting at her to stay away.
Billy hears the commotion and comes over to confront Ben for speaking to Honey like that. Honey tries to play it down because she knows it’s Ben lashing out in defence, but Billy keeps at him and Ben shouts at him to, telling him to go away. The noise makes Jay come back out of the office to see what’s going on, and even Phil’s stopped to have a listen. Billy implies that Ben’s being ungrateful for everything Honey’s done for him, and also assumes this is about Lola as he tells him he’s not the only one suffering. Honey leads Billy away, Lexi watches from the entrance of the car lot office looking disappointed, and Jay, ever helpful, sarcastically tells Ben well done and heads back to the office. And we can also see that Phil’s observed the whole thing.

When Ben heads into the office, Jay has another go at him for getting at Honey, telling him he was out of order. Ben calls her an ambulance chaser looking for drama to stick her nose into, basically implying that Honey’s trying to get him help when he doesn’t need any (spoiler alert: he does.)
Lexi then shows him a piece of paper and asks him what’s on it; Ben doesn’t get it, thinking it’s a load of numbers, until Lexi tells him that it’s her measurements for her Walford High school uniform, done by Honey. Then Ben sees where this is going. Jay pipes up that that was nice of her, and Ben turns to look at him, also seeing what he’s doing. As we know, Lexi is Ben’s soft spot, and so when Lexi talks about how she doesn’t have many girls to talk to, but that she can talk to Honey and Honey listens like Lola used to, of course that makes Ben feel guilty, particularly as he knows Honey was trying to help him as well the day before. He attempts to brush past it by suggesting they go and get Lexi’s uniform, but Lexi wants him to apologise to Honey so tells him she wants Jay to take her instead. Ben rubs his forehead, stressing out because he’s not in control of the situation, while Lexi tells him they all miss her mum but they’ve got to try and be happy – and she wants Ben to be happy. She can tell that he’s not and that probably hits home for Ben, that he can’t hide from her. She’s in tune with his emotions even if she doesn’t know the full story, and she also knows he’ll feel better for saying sorry to Honey.
So with that she beckons Jay to come with her to the uniform shop, preparing him with tales of fights between parents and queues around the block. He does what he’s told, stopping just long enough to tell Ben to sort it out and then leaving Ben to do just that.

So Ben tries. He approaches Honey outside the cafe and even though Honey insists he doesn’t have to say anything because she gets it, Ben says he does. So Honey suggests a coffee and Ben follows her in.
Inside, assuming that he has said sorry, we once again get a scene where it’s pretty much all in the looks for Ben as Honey speaks to him. Now Honey can see his face as she recalls her first impression of him, which was that he was a happy little boy always singing and dancing, a little Billy Elliot.
Ben points out that was a long time ago, and Honey concedes that he’s been through a lot since then. But she still sees that happy boy when he’s dancing with Lexi or having a laugh with Callum; his family. So that’s her saying that he is still capable of that happiness despite everything that’s happened to him. The sadness she sees now isn’t all that he is. He’s not a write off, he’s a loving and caring man who’s struggling. She gets it. And when she mentions the eating disorder again she can now see how he reacts to that, how hard he’s finding to keep his composure and knows she’s not wrong.
She goes on to mention Billy, how he makes her laugh too, and when the dark thoughts creep in, Billy senses it and knows to wait, say he’s there for her, and listen when she’s ready to talk. She concedes that Ben might not want to talk to her, but Ben has Callum, who can sense Ben is struggling – we’ve seen the signs since the reunion of Callum picking up on Ben’s behaviour and not being sure what it is, but still noticing. Honey knows that Callum wants to listen, and so does Ben, but it’s a scary thing for anyone to admit they need help, let alone him.
Honey implores Ben to talk to Callum, not wanting to see him push Callum away over this, something that she’s gone through and knows Ben is capable of fighting as well, if he allows himself to accept help to do that. Ben looks at Honey, torn because he knows she’s right but also knows how scary it will be to speak it into existence and risk losing that sense of control he gets from controlling food; but ultimately he nods almost imperceptibly, agreeing to try.

Unfortunately Ben doesn’t leave the cafe quick enough to escape Phil, who comes in as Ben’s leaving a voicemail for Callum to make the first step in talking. And the emotion from Ben shows that it’s a huge moment. He tells Callum he loves him and then Phil’s taking a seat across from him. He’s pretty much straight in with the emotional whiplash, reiterating how proud he was of Ben yesterday before snatching it away, revealing he saw Ben laying into Honey from across the way, in front of Lexi. Ben tells him he and Honey are fine now, but Phil’s been speaking to Billy who doesn’t seem fine. This is literally the story of Ben’s life in a nutshell – he does a bad thing as a result of his mismanaged trauma, tries to make up for it and shows growth, but then the ramifications of that bad thing undo his progress or make things worse. It’s constant and it always makes Ben feel like he can never do the right thing, never be good enough. It’s clear where the cycle needs to end, and Ben needs help to end it.
Not that Phil thinks this, of course. He piles the pressure on instead, telling Ben he needs to hold his family together and be someone they can be proud of. And that gesture Ben does with the shaky hand near his temple is the exact same gesture he made when Kathy was piling on pressure post-rape, when his trauma came bursting out of him. He’s being pushed to the edge here, feeling cornered and the complete opposite to the way Honey approached him. And then Phil mentions showing weakness and if Ben does that he’ll lose everything, which is hardly something that will make Ben seek help. Every time Ben considers doing so, something comes along to make him feel he has to shove his feelings back down, and this time it’s Phil, along with a nicely timed picture message from Jay of him and Lexi. She’s in her new uniform and it hurts Ben to see it, because it’s the sort of thing he’d have wanted to do – take a silly photo and be there for the uniform fitting. But he got pushed out because Lexi wanted him to say sorry to Honey, who he snapped at for getting to close to his coping method. Interestingly enough, Phil mentions Lexi and Callum as the life he’s built up, no mention of Jay; and Honey never mentioned him either. I don’t know if it means anything that no one seems to be including Jay in the family set up even though they’ve literally just all celebrated him becoming an “official” dad and after Ben gave a speech talking about them being brothers, but one does get the sense that perhaps this arrangement isn’t permanent.
But anyway, it’s clear that the photo along with Phil’s insistence that Ben don’t blow the set up he’s got has stressed Ben out, a sheen of sweat visible as he gets to his feet and stumbles out.

We see him leaving the chippy not long after with a bag, and he cheerily greets Honey with a jibe about her stalking him, bravado turned on. He tells her he called Callum, and is now bringing him a fish and chips. On the surface, it all looks well.

Only the chips aren’t for Callum; or if they were, the stress of his conversation with Phil and getting that photo at the worst time has Ben binging it instead. Callum’s in the flat, and he takes stock of the empty box as he waits for an unsuspecting Ben to leave the bathroom. We get the mirror shot, which has come to be a visual indication of what he’s just done, i.e. purged; and he pulls himself together before leaving to come back to the front room. He’s surprised to see Callum there, having not expected him back until later, and Callum tells him he got off work early. Which I take to mean he heard Ben’s voicemail and needed to come home as quick as he could because as Honey says, Callum wants to listen. But Ben’s not prepared and it throws him off. It shows how fleeting the relief of the purging is, because Ben already feels out of control of this new situation with Callum catching him in the middle of his ‘reset’, as it were. He hasn’t tidied up the evidence of his binge, hasn’t had the effects of making himself sick settle down, hence Callum asking if he’s been crying. He denies it and prepares to go back out again to get Callum something from the chippy, trying to escape. But Callum doesn’t let him; I think he sees the behaviour for what it is and doesn’t want Ben to take a step back after making that voicemail.
He tells Ben he sees him, and that causes Ben to pause, because that’s their thing. Ben sees Callum, and Callum sees Ben. Callum reminds him of his vows where he said that, and Callum’s trying to make sure those vows are still true. He acknowledges how tough it’s been for Ben with Lola and the ‘guardianship’ (is that what this is now? Have they changed it from parental responsibility to guardianship now that Lola’s gone? Do they even know anymore themselves?) but can tell that something else is going on, proving to Ben that Honey was right and Callum can sense these things.
Callum knows that Ben’s not letting him in and reminds him that it broke them up last time. He pleads with Ben to talk to him, and tell him what’s wrong.

Next thing we know, they’re sat on the sofa and Ben’s trying to talk, with Callum listening. He talks about wanting to fix everything when Lola got ill – and we saw that at the time, Ben looking up miracle cures on the laptop for hours. But he couldn’t fix it, or make it better. He felt all he could do was watch as everyone he loved fell apart. He talks about how not being there when Lola died has affected him enormously as he sees it as not being there for Lexi at her darkest scariest moment. That moment contributes to his ongoing fear that he’s not a good enough parent, because he feels he didn’t prove himself in that worst moment. Callum murmurs support but Ben is running away with his thoughts and voices how he feels he hasn’t been able to control anything. And that’s where a lot of Ben’s trauma stems from; a lack of control. It’s why the ED has become so important to him. And he nearly tells Callum about what he does when said lack of control gets too much, but the words don’t come. Instead he admits that he’s ashamed that he can’t be what everyone needs him to be. And he’s tried, god he’s tried. And he’s so worried about being a disappointment to everyone, to Callum.
Hearing that leaves Callum incredulous, because he genuinely never thinks that, even when Ben’s at his worst. He pulls Ben in and Ben willingly goes, but note his hands are still clasped together, still clammed up. Callum kisses his forehead and tells him he could never disappoint him. Ben scoffs disbelievingly and points out that he does it all the time, he’s useless. He’s spent months trying to be useful, but it’s not enough to get that thought out of his head. Callum’s not having it and makes Ben look at him properly, a finger under his chin, and tells him he’s not useless. Not only that but that it takes courage to open up the way Ben’s doing right now, and Callum acknowledges and appreciates it.
Ben says he can’t be like this anymore – feeling the way he feels. He leans back into Callum, who comforts him and speaks about how Ben’s been through so much, just as Honey had. But Callum makes the unwitting mistake of mentioning Lewis, and Ben freezes. While he opened up about how Lola’s illness and not being there for Lexi has made him feel, he obviously wasn’t prepared to dig into how it’s led to the eating disorder, or that Lewis is why the lack of control is a huge issue – and because he was unprepared for the reminder, it triggers him into fierce defensiveness, walls quickly coming up again.
Callum made the connection between feeling of being out of control and the rape because he’s an astute guy, but I think Ben feels like his control of the conversation, or indeed the narrative, has been taken from him. He panics, and he first tries to blame Callum for turning the problem into something it’s not, because the problem is Ben not being a good dad or husband. But that’s not the problem, and Callum has it spot on. But it’s because he’s got it spot on that Ben is starting to spiral.
Ben gets up from the sofa and walks towards the counter, creating distance from his established safe space in Callum as Callum tries to explain why he mentioned it, because what happened might have triggered those feelings Ben’s been having. Ben is so vulnerable at this point, having just purged and not prepared for Callum to be there so soon, then letting Callum in about his feelings around Lola and Lexi. The Lewis mention has shocked him because Callum brought it up, in his mind, totally unprompted and that has set off a fight mode in Ben because that has basically what he’s been doing with those thoughts; fighting them down. He wasn’t prepared to deal with those thoughts and so now, he takes some of those thoughts, twists them as dark as he can and throws them at Callum. These are his deepest intrusive thoughts, and they’re ugly. He accuses Callum of not being over it, that he revels in it because he brings it up over and over again. Callum argues back that he doesn’t, and I believe him; this is just Ben trying to hurt him because he’s been blindsided by this one mention. Ben shouts that Callum loves the fact he’s got something on Ben, which sounds like Ben is still blaming himself for what happened and is also deathly afraid that Callum does too. That’s what all of this is really; things Ben is so afraid of being true, and throwing them out to not only hurt Callum but hurt himself too. He goes further by suggesting Callum gets off to it, because people do; Lewis did. Get off on having power over someone else. Of course Callum would never and it’s an absurd accusation, but that’s the point. It horrifies Callum and he says he’s nothing like Lewis. Ben’s so in his own head now, shouting the most painful things about Callum being turned on thinking about what Lewis did to Ben. Last year when speaking to Kathy, Ben insisted that Callum never find out about the rape because he didn’t want Callum picturing that happening to Ben; he’d rather Callum think he cheated. He knew it would cause Callum pain, but now there’s this really dark thought he’s just thrown at Callum that reflects that fear in the worst way. They’re like nightmares, almost, the things he’s saying. It scares Callum and he approaches Ben to try and get him to stop saying those things. On instinct he grabs Ben’s wrists where he’s holding them up, because he flinched when Callum started moving. He’s overwhelmed now and tells Callum to get off, and Callum’s reaction isn’t immediate because he’s so focused on trying to get Ben to calm down; and that’s when Ben screams out that he said no. And it’s no coincidence that those are the exact words he said to Lewis that night. It’s awful, Callum in shock with his hands up, Ben with his own hands up in defence as he repeats it again – he said no.
I think Callum sees what’s happened, and while he’s so worried about Ben, he’s feeling fragile too at being compared to Lewis and doesn’t know what to do. Ben visibly dusts himself down, schools his face into something stoic and then turns his back to Callum, looking out the window. It very much reminds me of a scene after the homophobic attack last January when Ben was talking to Callum with his back turned to him, about how he couldn’t protect Callum. It’s like Ben trying to put a physical wall in between them because he feels so exposed.
In this scene, Ben says how he knew Callum wouldn’t understand – as if Callum’s proved a point by reacting to Ben’s words. But in actual fact Ben’s proved Callum’s point about Lewis having a profound effect. Callum tells him he’s trying to understand; he wants to help. But when Ben says he can help by leaving him alone, Callum does that, because as much as walking away clearly pains him, that’s what Ben said he wanted and Callum doesn’t want to push Ben any further. A second duff duff in a row for Ben as we leave him still facing the window.

I’m not sure whether it was intentional but that last shot felt like another visual callback to around the time of the rape when Callum left the flat after telling Ben to move out. Ben was facing him then, trying to hold things together, whereas right now Ben is pushing Callum away, lost in his pain.