1st August, late

It all came to a head for Ben in Monday’s episode – reminders everywhere of what he’s lost and how he’s changed, and he wound up at rock bottom.

Ben appears in the kitchen at the start of the episode, looking for breakfast as Kathy informs him it’s nearly lunchtime. I don’t think Ben’s got his appetite back though necessarily – it’s more for James, who appears behind him sheepishly. Kathy makes her displeasure known, and James makes a quick exit having read the room (if only he read the room on other things too.)
James mentions a party later before he goes though, and Ben plays into the persona he’s adopted, replying that he never turns down a party. Well, he doesn’t now that it’s one of the methods he uses to forget everything else. The smile he aims at James’ retreating back makes an effort to stay on his face as he turns back to Kathy, and he gets defensive when he sees the unimpressed look on her face. He knows exactly why she’s concerned, but brushes it off.
She reminds him about Lexi’s dance grade exam, but whether he actually remembered or not, he isn’t planning on going – telling Kathy that he’s not up to seeing her right now. Because Lexi is a different story compared to what’s going on with James; he can’t pretend with her and he knows it. He can’t really pretend with Kathy either but he still attempts to dodge her concern, pointing out that James is technically not a random because he knows his name.
Kathy goes on to insist that Lexi needs him, pointedly mentioning a takeaway afterwards with all of them. Ben tells her he’ll be there, with Kathy reiterating that he needs to sort himself out for Lexi’s sake. Maybe she hopes supporting Lexi will give Ben a purpose, and a reason to try and look after himself.

Out on the Square, Callum watches on with amusement as the Baker brothers list their requests to Stuart for their dad’s funeral. Yep, Stuart’s back in his undertaker role – can’t remember the last time we saw him in the black suit!
He approaches Stuart after Felix and Finlay rush off, shaking his head as Stuart makes a joke about Caribbean funerals and asking if Stuart wants a hand with the premium coffin handles and the doves. Stuart assures him he’s got it, and that he’s alright, just keeping busy.
At the mention of post-natal stuff, with Callum clearly expecting an update on what Stuart’s doing to get help, Stuart tells him he’s on it, looking up support groups and the like. He’s obviously not comfortable with the question though and changes the subject onto Callum to ask how he’s doing. I get the distinct impression that he’s possibly not looked into anything at all actually, so we’ll see how that progresses I’m sure.
Callum takes the bait of the topic change though and tells Stuart he’s looking for a flatmate to help pay the rent, but is doing alright apart from that. He does offer to give the flat up and move back in with Stuart, but Stuart brushes him off again, insisting that he’s fine and then indicating that he has to get back to work. I’m not sure if Callum fully believes him, watching him as he walks back into the parlour, but he doesn’t follow.

Also out on the Square, Ben comes to a stop outside the Minute Mart, hesitant to go in as it’s Panesar owned business and there’s a high chance one of them will be inside. Sure enough, Suki and Kheerat are talking at the back of the store, Suki imploring Kheerat to come for dinner and Kheerat asking her to take full responsibility for what happened to Jags. In the background, Ben’s crept in and is surreptitiously looking at the greeting card rack. I don’t even think he’s purposely eavesdropping, but when Suki spots him in her eyeline that’s exactly what it looks like he’s doing. And right before she sees him, she’s about to show some contrition – but then the sight of Ben reminds her that the reason she’s fighting to stop her children from disowning her is because Ben forced her confession through his admission of guilt and Kheerat’s reaction to that. And of course Ben would never have known that Suki would do that, but in the midst of feeling the fall out for her actions, Suki sees Ben as someone to blame, to lash out at in response to her own guilt.
So, seeing Ben, she suggests Kheerat look to Ben for someone to blame for Jags’ death. But that doesn’t deter Kheerat from informing her that it’s too late to try playing happy families, and he storms out with no acknowledgement of Ben.
After sheepishly taking a Good Luck card and paying for it at a distance, advising Suki to keep the change, he rushes out after Kheerat to speak to him. Which is very brave of him considering he nearly died at Kheerat’s hand the other week.
His advice to Kheerat is earnest and genuine, and you can tell how nervous he is to say it, but he cares about Kheerat and doesn’t want him losing his mum over his mistake. By the time Suki had confessed her role in Jags’ death he’d been choked out so I’m not sure how much he knows about the blame Suki shoulders. But regardless, he sees Jags’ death as down to him, and tells Kheerat that he spent years without his mum- but Kheerat doesn’t let him finish, enraged that Ben’s now trying to give him advice on how to keep his family together after he pulled them apart.
Shame he did stop Ben because I would have liked to hear how he feels it’s affected him now. It contributes to Ben’s trauma that they seem to be tying up with this story after all. But instead Kheerat really lays into him about how Ben’s not doing too well with his own family, specifically referencing Callum and Lexi. It’s quite awful to watch really, Ben not able to argue back as he listens to Kheerat talk about his husband leaving him and how he barely sees his own kid. Kheerat even sneers at the card he’s bought, seemingly aware that it’s for Lexi. Ben takes the derision, and in response he makes a point of telling Kheerat that he’s really sorry for everything. He’s not in antagonistic mode now; he’s trying. But Kheerat is still angry at what he’s done. He moves closer to Ben as if he’s going to say something, Ben flinching back slightly, but he just shakes his head and tells Ben that they’re done. It’s basically another break up, isn’t it?
And Ben doesn’t get to pull himself together as Callum appears right as Kheerat walks away, with a printed colour advert in his hand promoting his ‘well kept’ two bed flat. It’s not hard to miss the massive ‘Room for Rent’ at the top, and when Ben sees it he can’t help but comment on how Callum’s replacing him already. Callum getting a flatmate no doubt feels like another nail in an already very nailed down coffin for him, and a visual accompaniment to Kheerat’s words just a minute ago, about what he’s lost.
Callum only acknowledges the comment with a shrug, and then asks Ben to pass on his good luck wishes to Lexi as he knows how hard she’s been practising. Perhaps he has been seeing her, or at the very least been talking to Lola about her. But him mentioning Lexi to Ben also serves to remind us that they were once a little family, and as Callum walks on, Ben turns to watch him go, looking like he always looks the few times he’s been in a scene with Callum since the rape – like he wants to say something so badly, but the words won’t come out.

Despite these two knockbacks in a row, Ben is still trying to do right by Lexi. He actually makes it to the dance exam by the skin of his teeth, bursting in just as Lexi’s about to go into the room. Lexi had been dejected just moments before, assuming that Ben wasn’t coming – and that lack of faith in Ben would be a huge blow to him if he’d heard it. It sounds like she’d wanted Phil there too, only he was busy with ‘Mitchell business’ – one wonders what that could be.
Anyway, he’s apologetic, telling Lexi the tube was delayed and then wishing her good luck. He takes a seat with Lola giving him evils, but he’s there, despite his reluctance to be around her since his assault. He’s trying to step up in the midst of the hell he’s in, and for a short while, things feel manageable.

Of course it never lasts for Ben when he tries to do the right thing, and after celebrating Lexi passing her grading with merit (after a fake-out which was identical to when twelve year old Ben did his tap exam), her thoughts soon turn to why he was late. Lola leaves them to it, and Ben tries to explain again that it was the tube. However, he slips up as he thinks Lexi was doing a ballet exam and Lexi has to correct him that it was tap. Ouch. It’s indicative of what we already know, that Ben’s been avoiding her, and Lexi is clearly affected by it, adding to Ben’s guilt by pointing out how he’s changed, that he wouldn’t have been late before and that he doesn’t spend time with her anymore, making her laugh and helping her practise and showing her his favourite musicals. It shows what a good dad he’d been before, that Lexi’s now lamenting about his avoidance of her now. She doesn’t accept his work excuse either – she knows something else is afoot, as we saw last week. But it upsets her that Ben’s not how he used to be. It upsets Ben too, and seeing Lexi like this means he can’t avoid that truth, and he hates it. It causes him to bite back at her that life isn’t fair, things happen and people change. And at Lexi’s outburst about how she wants her old dad back, he shouts back at her that he’s right here and what more do all of them want? I think it’s a mixture of anguish that he can’t be the old dad Lexi wants him to be, the old person that he wants to be; and frustration that even when he tries to make progress he experiences another setback. And as Lexi runs away from him crying, it sure feels pretty hopeless for Ben in that moment. He can’t help but wonder if he’s not supposed to try, that he’s just not destined to be any sort of person that he actually wants to be. He wants to be a husband, a dad, a friend – and everything in this episode so far just shows him that he can’t have any of it.

So, sure enough, he goes after something that will help him to forget everything, heading to Peggy’s and doing a quick exchange with Tez in the corner for a bottle of GBL.
Sam’s behind the bar and spots this, and with Phil’s words about keeping an eye on Ben in her mind, she gets Ben’s attention with a comment on how he looks rough. Ben fires a sarcastic comment back at her but Sam is serious, implying that she knows Ben’s doing late nights with the drugs without directly mentioning it. She suggests Ben go and be with Lexi, who she saw earlier looking upset, and when Ben walks off, she tells him to sort himself out, just as Kathy did. Ben’s probably thinking that he tried but it was pointless. There are so many instances of Ben deciding to do the right thing but then having things go badly wrong instead. I’m not surprised he thinks there’s no point in trying.
As Sam warns Tez not to deal to Ben anymore, Ben’s on the phone to James, telling him he will be going to the party after all, having presumably declined earlier on in order to make Lexi’s meal. Self-sabotage mode is back on.

Callum runs into Jay as he comes out of the cafe with what I can only assume is another coffee (no judgement, I sometimes have several coffees throughout the day as well). Jay mentions his search for a flatmate, and Callum is keen to see if Jay is interested. Look how excited he is by the thought of living with Jay!
Jay’s rather coy about it, and mentions how Ben will be back living there soon enough. Callum rolls his eyes at Jay’s confidence and tells him that’s not going to happen. The only people not convinced they’re getting back together is Ballum themselves, clearly. Jay tells him that he and Ben make sense, not unlike Karen’s ‘meant to be’ comment from last week. However, Callum’s not so sure. He tells Jay that they used to, but talks about what he’s observed over the last few months, how Ben doesn’t seem to make time for anyone anymore, not even Lexi. He doesn’t seem to be taking it as a sign of Ben being in a bad place though, but rather more evidence that the single, responsibility-free life is what Ben was missing all along when they were together. Even if he does sense something is afoot, it’s easier to keep holding onto his anger at Ben cheating on him and his decision to end things and move on if he thinks Ben is doing the same.
Jay thinks he’s helping by insisting that Ben does care, that he, Callum and Lexi mean the world to him but that he just can’t say it. That it’s typical Ben, he’s done this before and destroys everything he loves before finding his way back again and he just needs time. He might not think it’s his place to even hint that something else is wrong, but come on Jay. I think I’ve said this before but I can only think that even Jay doesn’t grasp the seriousness of the situation for Ben – after all he’s still angry at Ben for how he spoke to Honey the other week. Because surely letting Callum know that something more serious is going on is better than trying to tell him that everything’s fine and it’s just Ben being Ben.
Regardless, Callum’s still resistant to Jay’s promise that he and Ben will be back together. He says he wishes he could agree with him, but he just can’t, and instead he has to move on – and has to find someone to pay the rent. I do love that he pleads so hard with Jay to move in; because moving on from Ben by getting his brother to move in with him is a stellar plan. Jay eventually relents but he warns Callum that it’s temporary because he’s so sure that Ben’s coming back. I mean, there’s nothing to stop him keeping the spare room even if Ben did come back, but he’s making a point and I respect that, even if Callum shakes his head at Jay’s insistence.

There are quite a few scenes at this party that Ben turns up at, showing Ben’s progression as time goes on. It’s obviously meant to be a chemsex party, which EE make clear by having all the extras kissing around Ben, and the lighting which means you can barely see what’s going on. They don’t show Ben actually taking the GBL, but they make a point of showing the bottle in his hand, and then turning to the table to pick up a bottle of beer. It’s inferred then that Ben’s put the drug into the beer to drink – which is a very dangerous way of taking it. I feel like until now he’s had James preparing that particular drug as he’s clearly an experienced user and it requires careful measuring and consumption – but now he’s taking more risks simply because forgetting his issues takes precedence over being careful. He downs the beer really quickly as well, too much too soon most likely.

When James arrives himself, Ben greets him and his demeanour is obviously different to earlier – the drug making him more relaxed and tactile. He’s smoking as well, just taking in as many vices as he possibly can. He’s keen to get on with distracting himself, taking about getting the party started and taking a seat on the sofa next to James, clicking their bottles together. His goal is to forget, but you can see the signs that he’s still struggling to do that, looking hesitant as he takes another drag, and then in the next scene looking more antsy and calling James over as James is talking to some others, seemingly planning to go somewhere else. He obviously wants to try and lose himself in James, but scoffs when James suggests they call it a night. And even James can’t miss the obvious signs that Ben is going too hard too fast, looking a bit uncomfortable as Ben downs another beer that’s probably laced with more GBL. You can see how bad he looks, the effects of taking too much becoming apparent. He’s sweating and his eyes are glazed and unfocused.

The worst part comes in our last party scene. Ben’s kissing James and for a moment I think he feels he’s successful in forgetting all the bad things in his head. Except when he pulls away to look at James, who does he see instead? Only Lewis. I don’t think any of us were expecting that, and neither did Ben. He looks horrified and he pulls away from James, who’s confused at his behaviour, but Lewis is who Ben is seeing. He took way too much GBL in order to forget Lewis and instead he’s sitting in front of him saying his name. Because try as he might, Ben can’t forget, and it’s devastating for him because this was his last resort, and he thought this would help him.
Kudos to EE for such an effective jumpscare. James, looking and sounding like Lewis, tells Ben he’ll call him a cab, which is disturbing enough due to who’s saying it, but it’s also along the lines of something Lewis said to him the night of the rape, about finding a ride to Soho. Or it might even be a reminder that Lewis offered to walk him home that night, and how Ben in his drunk state didn’t want that. A reminder to him that he had wanted it to start with, which adds to his distress over what happened and his self-hatred in the aftermath.
Anyway, whatever was going through Ben’s mind at the sight of Lewis was not good.

Ben’s family aren’t aware that he’d been planning to skip the meal, and Kathy phones Ben to ask where he is, as we see him arriving back on the Square in the cab, stumbling out of the car and barely able to stand. Even in that state, he’s remembered the meal and is now planning to make his way there. He looks and sounds awful, falling into some fire exit stairs opposite the Arches and leaving Lexi a voicemail about how he plans to be there soon, that he’s sorry he’s late and that he loves her. He’s already gasping for breath at this point, and when he throws up, suddenly looks even worse. It’s horrible. He winds up falling into a pile of binbags as he struggles to breathe.
The other shock of the episode comes from Suki hearing Ben’s phone ringing from the swings and discovering Ben on the ground looking in dire need of help. He sees her and reaches out to her for help, but Suki decides instead to walk away. Her kids had walked out on her earlier in the episode and this is her projecting her self hatred onto Ben in a big way. Leaving someone to die is like an EE rite of passage, but of course it’s not nice to watch. Makes me wonder what will come of it, if Ben remembers her walking away or if she feels guilt later and confesses. If she had a leg to stand on before regarding Ben and his contribution to Jags’ death, she doesn’t now.
After she leaves him, Ben clutches his chest and makes sounds of agony which is so hard to watch – basically he’s having a heart attack. Then he loses conscious and that’s where we end Monday.

I can’t imagine how painful that would have been for Ben, and terrifying. And all for nothing, as he didn’t even get to forget the thing he took the drug to forget.