Oh Ben, it just doesn’t get any easier for him. Last night had some lovely moments with Kheerat and important conversations about HIV, and then his guilt caused him to dope up, lash out and break down.
The morning after Ben’s drug taking, he’s waking up inside a car at the Arches, similar to where he wound up after the breakdown he had after seeing Callum and Lewis talking, two weeks after the rape and before he had told anyone. That was six weeks ago and things are clearly no better for him.
Once he sits up, he catches sight of the drug paraphernalia on the table and stumbles out of the car to get rid of the evidence. He wipes down the table and puts the bottles and bag of white powder into a drawer, just in the nick of time as Kheerat shows up at that moment.
Ben snaps at him to close the door, avoiding Kheerat’s question about whether he’s been in the garage all night. Once again Kheerat can see that Ben is acting off; shifty and anxious. Plus there’s the fact that Ben’s in the same clothes as yesterday. He tries to insist that Ben go home and get sorted out, as Ben just dismisses it as a hangover. Sounds like Kheerat’s able to tell it’s more than just a hangover though. He reluctantly hands over the laptop he’s brought in when Ben gestures for it, saying he needs to send an invoice, and tries to broach the subject of what put Ben in such a state that he spent the night in the garage and is now acting on edge. He tries to prompt him – is it about his mum, or Callum? – but Ben shuts him down again, trying to make out it was just an all nighter. Little does Kheerat know it’s about everything, that Ben just wants to stop thinking and feeling.
Kheerat’s still pushing, pointing out that he slept in a garage just as Ben pales at the sight of whatever he’s seen on the laptop, and Ben shuts him down once more as he closes the laptop and rushes out.
Kheerat tries the drawer that Ben’s hidden the drugs in, and finds it locked. Then he opens the laptop and discovers that Ben’s made the rookie mistake that every person in soapland makes and has left his window open. Kheerat can see his inbox (good to know that Ben is a person who actually opens all his emails) and the latest email is the invitation to book his follow up HIV test that we saw him get the previous day.
After Kathy hands Ben’s things over to Jay and insists that he needs friends around him, Jay finds the man himself in the cafe. Jay spots the fact that Ben’s wearing the same clothes as yesterday as well, and makes a remark about Ben having found a place to stay. Ben’s obviously not in the mood to hear anything Jay might want to say and points out that he isn’t his mum. Jay responds by asking if Ben would hit him if he was, revealing that he knows what Ben did to Kathy. Ben’s comment about it not taking Kathy long sounded to me like he knew why she told Jay, the only other person who knows what happened to him. After all, he heard Kathy lying to Honey about it – but her telling Jay makes Ben suspect that they’re ganging up on him to get help that he doesn’t want.
Jay tells Ben that Kathy’s worried about him – and so is he. And when Ben points out that Jay picked his side, Jay simply replies that when he’s ready to apologise to Honey, they’ve got his stuff. It seems like a lot to keep Ben away when he doesn’t even know what he said to Honey – he hadn’t even rounded the corner when Ben was telling her to shut her mouth. And Honey is clearly angling for them to make up because she’s also concerned about Ben. But looks like Jay’s made up his mind.
Once he leaves, Kheerat comes in, like it’s a tag team. After a momentary distraction from Stacey, he stands next to Ben and orders whatever he’s having. Ben comments on how he’s being a proper little shadow, following him around – but when Kheerat says they need to talk, Ben hasn’t got a response. It looks like he suspects what it might be about, but I don’t think the HIV test would be what he’d expect the topic of the conversation to be. I would imagine his first thought would be the drugs actually, so maybe it’s more of a relief later on when he learns why Kheerat wants to talk to him.
Out in the Square, Ben and Kheerat sit on opposite ends of the bench, little bit of an awkward silence as Ben lights up again. Any coping mechanism you can think of, Ben’s tried it at this point. Kheerat’s the one who wanted to talk but it’s a difficult subject to navigate, particularly when you’re up against someone who’s trying not to even think about it.
Ben breaks the silence first, with a sarcastic comment about Kheerat snooping on all his business partners. But Kheerat alludes to the state he saw Ben in earlier on (and even before that) and reasons that if there’s not much to go on, he’s going to worry. Kheerat tries prompting him then about his first test, since this one is a follow up. My interpretation of this is that Kheerat’s implying that the way he saw Ben that morning (and the previous day when he noticed Ben wasn’t himself) is a cause for concern and is trying to ask whether it could be HIV without outright asking. Ben understands what he’s getting at, but can’t exactly admit that the drugs locked in the drawer contributed to him passing out in the Arches and acting antsy when Kheerat arrived – so he tells him that it’s just a bit of flu.
Kheerat tries again to understand the situation, asking if this is about him cheating on Callum. I feel like he’s just trying to determine why Ben needs a follow up test if he’s already done one without asking outright, instead just hazarding guesses that Ben can confirm or deny. And Ben’s face at the mention of cheating again – he hates it. Hates that people think he’s done that to Callum. It takes him longer to answer, taking another drag as he struggles with what to say. But Kheerat’s making sure that Ben knows he’s not judging him, that he can talk to him.
Ben starts with ‘I’, but then switches to put the onus on ‘this guy’ because Ben didn’t actually have a say in any of it. He says that he (Lewis) didn’t use anything in terms of protection, and though it sounds innocuous enough to someone like Kheerat, it’s a reminder that there was no ‘they’ in the equation. He plays down the chlamydia, mentioning the antibiotics, and Kheerat probably puts that together with the medication that he saw Ben with. Ben also mentions taking PEP for the HIV, which Kheerat takes to mean that he’s basically in the clear, except Ben then admits that the reason he’s going for the follow up is because he waited two days to take the PEP, so it’s not as effective. Kheerat can’t help but ask why he waited, to which Ben shuts him down by asking if it matters, leaving Kheerat apologetic. Of course the reason he waited is because he spent the first day in shock and traumatised by what happened to him, and stressed by his marriage falling apart, and it was only when Jay mentioned it that it even occurred to Ben that he had to make sure he was safe on top of everything else.
Hearing Kheerat back down though makes Ben feel like he can be honest with his fears, and voices his worry that he might actually have HIV, thought trailing off as he wonders what that would mean.
Kheerat turns practical, telling Ben that they’re going to go to the clinic and take the test because it’s better to know. He’s turned towards Ben to show he’s serious, with a hand almost touching Ben’s shoulder but not quite. Ben startles a bit at the sudden proximity, eyes glancing towards Kheerat’s hand anxiously. And I’m not surprised, since he’s already had to be reminded of what happened to him during this conversation, and the reason he has to go for this test in the first place.
Ben tries to say that he doesn’t need a chaperone, but Kheerat simply replies that it’s not a discussion – he’s coming with Ben.
I don’t know about you guys, but the fact that Ben has someone with him at his follow up appointment, especially someone like Kheerat who’s been so kind to Ben, is such a relief, particularly after the way Ben had to make his first visit alone. Kheerat might not know the full truth of what’s happened, but the fact that he’s not judging or shaming Ben means it doesn’t really matter. Maybe he should get a job at the clinic himself.
There seems to be a bit of a wait at the clinic, as Ben fidgets and Kheerat checks his watch. He obviously knows how nervous Ben is about this follow up result, so he tells Ben he’ll just check what’s happening, and gets up to talk to the receptionist. As he does so, Ben catches sight of a poster on the wall opposite him – advertising the clinic’s support service that’s specifically for men who are survivors of sexual abuse. It’s a reminder of what Kathy said to him the previous day, which he doesn’t want to think about – but seeing it there in front of him makes him panic and he rushes out of the waiting room, leaving Kheerat to go out after him, trying to coax him back.
He assumes Ben’s worried about the HIV test and basically tries to tell him that he can’t change whether he’s got it or not, as he’s done the deed. But it’s just extra painful for Ben because he didn’t – he didn’t choose this and now he might be permanently punished for it. It leads to a really important conversation between them about the issue of HIV and how it’s not just about health implications (as Kheerat points out that it’s not a death sentence, there are drugs that work wonders) but about the societal impact of having HIV status and the stigma around it. Kheerat reasons that it’s not like it’ll be written on his forehead, and Ben replies that everything gets out in the end. Oh Ben, you don’t even know how true that is, especially in soapland.
Kheerat insists he needn’t be ashamed, but Ben points out his own prejudices, how he’s been there, making excuses and bailing out once a hook up has disclosed their status. He imagines being on the other side of that and the reaction when he has to tell his next hook up. And Kheerat’s response to that is that Ben better hope he pulls guys better than he is. Basically he’s saying although the stigma very much exists, there’s work being done to reduce it and not everyone will react the way Ben has done in the past.
Kheerat takes advantage of Ben’s lack of response by insisting that he’s going in with Ben to the actual testing room, and then tries to lighten the mood by joking that this doesn’t count as a first date. What a man. Ben’s reaction is one of incredulity, but I think manages to work as a distraction.
When we come back to the clinic, Ben’s in the room about to be tested. They portray the procedure of the HIV test in full, showing how quick and easy it is, which is also really important and impactful. The health nurse is kind and tells Ben exactly what’s happening at every step, no judgement at all about why he’s taking an HIV test. He collects a drop of blood from Ben’s finger for the test, Kheerat watching on and Ben continuing to look nervous. The results only take a minute to show up, which is quicker than I even realised – as the nurse points out, even quicker than a covid test.
As if realising that he’s just talking to himself and the next 60 seconds will be in painful silence, the nurse addresses Kheerat to ask if he’s with Ben, and while Kheerat seeks to clarify that he’s a friend, Ben corrects him to say that he’s his business partner. He wants to keep that distance as much as possible, even though Kheerat’s making that difficult by being a model best friend.
The nurse then asks Ben when the last time he had sex was, and although he’s reluctant with Kheerat sitting there next to him, he tells the truth about it being last night. Only the nurse’s follow up question about whether he used protection leads to Ben admitting that he’s not 100% sure that he did, because he was out of it on chems. Which is horrible to think about, the fact that he took so much he can barely remember the details – that’s more than just taking the edge off, that’s numbing yourself just to get through it. Or getting through it just to have that feeling of numbness.
The nurses notes his lack of confidence in using protection, but says no more about it. I would have thought ordinarily that would require another round of testing and PEP since he wasn’t sure – but I assume the focus for that conversation was more on the confirmation that Ben was too far gone to remember the sex he had the night before properly. And it will only compound his trauma in the long term because it’ll make it even more difficult to be able to have normal sex without feeling like he has to be high to do it. Pushing the pain down the road, as Kathy said.
It might be a quick test, but it’s a long wait, especially for Ben. His fear is palpable, breathing heavily and eyes darting to the test like he doesn’t want to look but can’t help it. We get to see the moment the results show up, although what the little blue dot means isn’t confirmed until a very tense pause and a bit of a false alarm regarding the look on the nurse’s face (he’s wrong for that, I tell you.) But finally he says that Ben’s got the all clear, which pleases Kheerat as he grins and smacks Ben’s knee affectionately, and although I’m sure there’s relief with Ben too, he’s still trying to process it. And of course, this was only one of the many issues that Ben’s having to deal with right now.
As they’re leaving the clinic, Ben admits he was convinced that he’d got it, while Kheerat tells him that he can finally move on now that it’s over. And obviously it won’t work like that, but Ben is still really grateful for Kheerat’s support and there’s even a flash of his old self there as he tells Kheerat he’d snog his face off if Kheerat wasn’t so boringly straight. And when Kheerat proposes a drink with him and Stacey to celebrate, he revises his assessment, joking that maybe Kheerat’s not so boringly straight after all. Ben, joking! It’s obviously just a small moment and it’s about to go downhill again from here, but it’s still so nice to see Ben have this small win.
Back at the Arches, Ben is in a good mood as he and Kheerat agree to meet at Peggy’s later. He’s even got a card for Lexi and says that he just has to get it over to his little princess. Not so little anymore, she’s turning ten on Saturday!
Kheerat comments on how good it is to see that smile back, and we are all Kheerat in this moment. Ben thanks him for everything, and means it. Right now, having someone there is really important to Ben after everything that went wrong the previous day, someone who’s made time for him and convinced him to get peace of mind regarding the HIV test; someone who feels like a real friend.
But of course that has to come crashing down with Kheerat’s speech about how Ben was there for him regarding Jags and how he’ll never stop fighting Ben’s corner because of it. Because it reminds Ben that actually, he doesn’t deserve this friendship and it’s based on a lie. And as much as he’s attempted to keep some kind of emotional distance from Kheerat, Kheerat thinks the world of him because of how much weight he puts on Ben’s attempt to protect Jags. I mean, if you remember, Kheerat was paying Ben for it, but obviously now the emotional side of it is being played up to maximise Ben’s guilt.
Kheerat even calls Ben his brother, if a little pasty, and Ben’s stopped writing Lexi’s card as he listens to the high regard Kheerat has for him and thinks about how wrong Kheerat is. The only person he’s got is under false pretences, and that feels gutting for Ben. Like he truly doesn’t deserve anything good.
He can’t even speak when Kheerat checks that he’ll see him later. He forces out a nod, which placates Kheerat as he heads back out, but Ben’s distress is building, and soon he’s crumpling up Lexi’s birthday card and throwing it against the fall in frustration. You can see him doing that air clench with his hand that he does so often when he’s angry, which I’ve come to see as a classic Ben Mitchell quirk.
He’s trying to tamper down his feelings, but the only thing that’s really done the trick in that regard is the drugs he took the night before. He gets out his phone and sends a text to James, who’d apparently texted earlier saying he had a great night last night. He might have done but Ben certainly didn’t. However it’s the easiest way he knows to get the stuff that makes him forget everything, so he asks James for round 2. Ben stares at the screen after he sends it because he’s hoping for a quick reply – he wants to stop feeling the way he’s feeling immediately. And the fact that Callum is still in his predictive text suggestions is just an extra little dose of pain.
Ben’s antsy when he doesn’t get an instant reply, and his attention then turns to the leftover drugs from the night before.
So, thinking about the specifics of the drugs – although it’s not confirmed exactly what drugs have been taken, Ben mentioned chems at the clinic. Some chems are sedatives, and others stimulants. And sometimes people mix them. My feeling is that Ben and James mixed drugs the previous night, and that’s what caused Ben to be so out of it. And taking the powder, the only drug left, is a desperate attempt to block out his current feelings of self loathing.
On its own, the powder (I’m thinking maybe meth) has a different effect to the combination the night before. Ben leaves the garage looking worse for wear, sniffing and grinding his teeth. He’s certainly not relaxed in any case. He spots Phil leaving the chippy and shouts over to him (‘Oi Prison Break!’ made me laugh, the delivery as well as the reference to the TV show about a man trying to escape prison), joking about not having chips behind bars. Phil can tell that Ben’s not right, the way he’s smirking and how he’s walking. His attempts to find out what’s wrong with Ben though keep resulting in the tables being turned onto him. When asked if he’s drunk, Ben remarks that the apple doesn’t fall far, but admits he hasn’t had a drop. And when asked what he’s on, Ben answers that he’s on crack, and does Phil want some? Phil’s former crack addiction is common knowledge and Ben’s obviously using it to avoid the question. Phil tries again to ask him what he’s taken, but he gets nowhere as Ben ignores him and tells him to go and feed his new kids, stumbling away.
Stacey should know not to jinx things when they’re quiet, not in Walford. She’s just talking about the fact there’s no drama for once when Kheerat prepares to tell her that he’s invited Ben to join them. But before he has a chance, the man himself is causing a scene on the other side of the bar because someone looked at him. It descends into a commotion as Ben shoves the man away and Zack intervenes to try and get Ben to leave.
Kheerat makes his way over to try and calm things, explaining to Zack that Ben’s had a bit of a day, and Ben resents it, muttering about perfect little Kheerat. Those drugs have had the opposite effect of what he wanted, he’s all paranoia and irritation. Kheerat notices how different he is to earlier and asks him if he’s taken something, but his hand on Ben’s shoulder causes Ben to violently shrug him off and warn him to leave him alone.
It shocks Kheerat, and he takes in the paranoia and Ben’s body language and tries to reason with him, telling him that they’ll get him to a doctor (luckily he’s related to one, even if it is Ash.) Ben tries to resist, but they’ve got Zack and Dotty telling him to get out, and with Kheerat worried about Ben, he becomes more insistent, pulling Ben away from the bar and pushing him out, with a confused Stacey following behind.
Ben barrels through the Panesar’s front door, Kheerat still trying to placate him, as the rest of the family look on in shock. Kheerat calls for Ash’s help as Ben starts spiraling and shouting about the man who was looking at him. Suki’s predictably not impressed and makes it known as Kheerat fights back against her, explaining to Ash that he thinks Ben might have taken chems.
Ben catches sight of the picture of Jags on the table and stares at it while Ash tries to work out if Ben’s been mixing them with alcohol, noticing his dilated pupils and reaching to check his pulse. Ben pulls away and lashes out at them to go away, which they do – realising that he’s on edge.
They seem to have managed to calm him down, as he sits on the edge of the sofa while the Panesars watch him. Kheerat stands in front of him and wonders why he’d do this after getting the good news that he had the all clear. Ben’s subdued but voices that he wants to go home. Suki welcomes that idea but Kheerat refuses, thinking he can’t go home the way he is. He probably thinks Ben’s still staying at Kathy’s, but truth is Ben doesn’t have a home at that moment. His paranoia has turned into confusion, and he seems to have forgotten where home actually is. But that’s what makes it extra heartbreaking when he repeats that he wants to go home, and mentions Callum. In the depths of his pain and misery, he wants Callum. He wanted Callum the night he was assaulted too; wanted to go home. It feels like he’s right back there to that place of fear and helplessness. Kheerat has to gently remind him that he’s not with Callum anymore, Ben jumping back as Kheerat moves closer, not wanting anyone near him.
The other Panesars discuss what to do for the best, Suki the only one not making him feel insurmountable guilt. He repeats that he wants to go home, asks them to let him go home. He hates that Kheerat isn’t letting him because staying in their house with them all being so nice is amping up the awfulness he feels at what he thinks he’s done to their family.
Ben starts pressing at his temples and gripping his hair, becoming more and more distressed the longer he stays there and the longer they all try to help him. He screams at them to shut up, to stop, that they don’t get it. At Kheerat’s confusion he then yells ‘I killed him’ – realisation dawning on Suki and the rest of them when he adds that he called off the protection. He’s talking about Jags.
Ah, Ben. His distraught confession was pulled out of him because he didn’t want any of Kheerat’s kindness, feeling so undeserving of it, and the added effect of the drugs made his panic and self loathing even stronger. And now he’s got the wrath of the Panesars to contend with.
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