A few short scenes in this episode, featuring a withdrawn Ben still having to cope with all of the consequences of what’s happened to him and then some.
Our first scene has Ben approaching the Arches just as Jay turns up, giving off to Kheerat because the car he’d left with them isn’t ready as promised. It’s not done because Ben hasn’t been turning up to work as, apparently, their only mechanic.
Kheerat spots him and demands to know where he’s been, but Ben doesn’t answer, instead explaining that he’s just here to lift some cash. He points out Dotty when Kheerat asks about the work they have to do, thinking she’s replaced him anyway. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Dotty the mechanic – but she’s just doing it as a favour to Kheerat and will be gone in an hour. Ben doesn’t seem to be listening, focusing on fishing notes out of the cash box, and Kheerat’s clearly frustrated – he needs Ben working because he’s not a mechanic.
Once he’s got his money out, Ben looks over to Kheerat like he’s remembered where he is and that he’s expected to answer, so he tries to placate him by saying he’ll be there later, but he’s got to go – sounding distracted as he does so, and he ignores Kheerat shouting after him. Jay sorts Kheerat out by saying he knows a good guy who can help him out, and watches Ben leaving in the distance, probably remembering that he’d promised Kathy that he’d try and talk to him.
Later on, Ben comes out of the Minute Mart with a little bottle of whiskey in one hand and freezes when he spots his mum talking to Lewis outside the cafe. The spoilers specified that Ben overhears them, but I’m not too sure if he does beyond Kathy’s joke that Lewis has bumped into Callum again, referencing Lewis’ cut lip. If Ben did hear Lewis’ response that it was a homophobic attack, he doesn’t react to the news specifically, instead taking himself away. Unfortunately Lewis has already seen him, and after some self pitying talk to Kathy about how it was unprovoked when he was walking home late at night (even fitting in a dig at her for the Callum joke), he gets up to leave to follow Ben. His parting words to her are ‘the streets aren’t safe’, and too right, with him walking around. It feels they’re pointing more and more towards Lewis being a serial offender, with the lack of guilt and perfected methods of persuasion and manipulation, and towards the likelihood of him doing it again.
Poor Ben is just trying to get home (or, as we learn, to the pharmacy), and when he hears Lewis’ voice behind him he visibly reacts, taking a deep breath as if steeling himself. Lewis has the nerve to ask how it’s going, like he doesn’t know exactly what he’s done and what he’s continuing to put Ben through. He doesn’t care how it’s going, and it’s not really clear what his goal was in approaching Ben. Maybe he wanted Ben to ask about his cut lip, or maybe just wanted to see if Ben was still subdued and not planning to tell anyone what really happened (although I don’t know if Lewis is too worried about that as he thinks he’s got enough evidence to ‘prove’ it was consensual.) Maybe he’s just a total sadist and wanted to test Ben and see if he’d still be polite to him after saying they were mates the other week.
Ben proves his strength again by turning around and pretending he isn’t sure if Lewis is addressing him, then answering his question with ‘not bad’. Yeah, not bad. Awful. You can hear it in Ben’s voice, it’s thick like he’s choking back tears and his nostrils are flaring too with the effort. His hair is flat like it has been for a while now and his eyes are darting around everywhere. And still, he’s facing Lewis and trying to act normal. He talks about his screening at the clinic that he’s come from, because of course that first visit wasn’t the only one he has to make, he’s got to deal with follow ups and further checks on top of the PEP he’s already taking. This one, at the two week mark, would be chlamydia and gonorrhoea screenings – and sure enough, he pulls out a prescription and informs Lewis he’s got a ‘lovely’ case of chlamydia, aiming for light-heartedness as he sarcastically thanks Lewis for it but he can’t quite manage it – he just sounds so sad and resigned, this being just another thing on top of everything else. I imagine that if he got screened for it and has already been prescribed medication before the results have come back, then he must have the symptoms, which is a horrible thought. However, it is a small comfort to know that despite not looking after himself more generally, he is at least taking the health screenings seriously and making those appointments. Awful that he has to shoulder this responsibility having had no choice in the matter on top of all the other consequences of what happened, but it’s important he does it.
Meanwhile Lewis is washing his hands of all of it, even asking Ben how he knows it was him – again daring Ben to challenge him because he knows he’s holding the cards regarding his narrative that Ben wanted it, and adding to it now to suggest that Ben’s been sleeping around and could have gotten it off someone else. It’s so sadistic, and Ben knows he can’t respond so he just turns and walks away. That resignation is so unlike Ben that it’s unnerving to see.
Lewis isn’t in denial; he knows what he did and that Ben has caught the STI from him. He just doesn’t care.
Having gotten his medication from the pharmacy, Ben actually is on his way home now, fiddling with the bottom of his jacket. Jay sees him and walks after him, asking if he wants to go for a pint. He turns the offer down without stopping, and again declines when Jay offers him a chip – which seems like a random thing to ask Ben but I think Ben turning that offer down tells Jay that something is definitely wrong. We’ve seen him turn food down quite a few times now, indication being that he’s not eating. And Ben has previously been shown to have a healthy appetite, so it’s concerning.
Jay loses patience that his ice breakers aren’t working and raises his voice with Ben, asking what the matter is, that he’s trying to talk to him. Ben tells him he doesn’t want to talk, that he’s going in later to fix up the motors that Jay was complaining about earlier, because that’s all Jay cares about. Or all Ben thinks Jay cares about. He tries to walk on but is intercepted by Lola, who wants him to take Lexi for the night because she’s going to the Vic with Frankie. She’s upbeat until Ben interrupts her to say no, and he tries to leave again. He’s trying to avoid her eye, but she bumps shoulders with him as he moves past and Ben winds up dropping his prescription onto the ground, box falling out of the bag, to his horror. He’s struck with fear, stammering as Lola lays into him for already having to take Lexi twice last week when Ben said he couldn’t and how it’s only fair he returns the favour.
Ben’s anxiety gets worse when someone picks up his meds – and it turns out to be Kheerat. He snatches it back, breathing heavier now as he tells her he can’t; though he’s looking at Kheerat as he says it. I think his ‘I can’t’ is more a commentary on his feelings of powerlessness.
Kheerat’s looking at him with concern while Lola is continuing to address him, asking when the last time he hugged his own daughter was. It’s overwhelming for Ben and he stutters out that he can’t do it – can’t look after Lexi, but also can’t hug her. What Lewis did has robbed Ben of lots of things, and one of them is the comfort of Lexi, whether he feels he doesn’t deserve it or if he’s afraid of tainting her because he feels so dirty.
Panic stricken at the scrutiny and the near miss with the meds, he rushes back to the house, closing the back gate behind him as he tries to catch his breath.
It’s a strange thing for Kheerat to witness, Ben being so unconfrontational and skittish. In response to Lola and Jay commenting how difficult it’s been to talk to Ben, Kheerat reasons they should give him a break because splitting with Callum’s got to be hard – and he’s only ever known Ben with Callum.
Lola tells Kheerat that they’ve all got problems, only she doesn’t go round being rude to people. She tends to pull this ‘we’ve all got problems/responsibilities’ line out of the bag where Ben’s concerned, but the thing is being rude is literally her reaction to being hurt as well. We saw it when she refused to put Callum on the school list after she and Jay ended things, and we saw the other week when she had a go at Jay and Frankie when she thought they were sleeping with each other. I mean, I love her but that’s how she is.
Anyway, she’s distracted from the situation when she spots Billy and turns her attention to getting him to babysit instead, while Jay confirms to Kheerat that the new mechanic he’s in touch with will be over in about an hour to take Dotty’s place.
Kheerat pays a visit to Ben later, just letting himself in the back door while Ben’s in the middle of taking his medication. I’m not sure whether Kheerat’s managed to spot what he’s taking, but he doesn’t mention it – instead he senses Ben’s evasiveness and treads more carefully. Ben assumes (or rather wants to assume) he’s there about coming into work and reminds him he said he’d come in later. When Kheerat admits he’s not here about that, Ben braces himself as he asks why he is here then.
I don’t know if Ben is expecting Kheerat to check if he’s okay, but he keeps himself braced against the counter and faced to the side so he’s not looking head on at Kheerat, like he’s protecting himself. He hears Kheerat offering to be there if Ben wants to talk, but despite looking like he’s thinking about it for a moment, he doesn’t take the bait and instead just asks if that’s it or is there something else. Kheerat sees it for the dismissal it is and accepts it, but obviously he can also see that Ben is avoiding eye contact and can hear the brokenness of his voice. So before he leaves Ben to it he reminds Ben that they’re not just business partners; they’re friends.
I appreciate Kheerat’s gentle, non-judgemental approach very much, and the fact he showed some kindness to Ben. And while Kheerat might have thought it was pointless, I think offering his support did affect Ben, gave him something to think about even as he’s picking up the whiskey bottle and heading to the sofa.
Next time we see him, he’s taken his jacket off and turned the TV on, downing the whiskey (featuring some beautiful shots might I add, with the light shining in through the closed blinds.)
With half the bottle gone, Ben pulls out his phone, staring at the picture of Lexi he has as his lockscreen. After a moment, he unlocks the phone and his contact list appears. It’s pretty sparse, and you can see Callum’s name there, but he’s scrolling down to find Lola. It goes straight to voicemail when he phones and it leaves him frustrated. Maybe he wanted to try looking after Lexi after all, or was just calling to say sorry – but I guess we’ll never know, and for Ben I guess it adds to the feeling that reaching out to anyone is just impossible.
After slamming his phone down, he then burrows into the sofa, blanket right up to his chin like a child as he focuses back on the telly, the rest of the room in darkness.
Tonight is a continuation of this episode – we’ve got some more trauma for Ben on the way, and Ben realising that he can’t escape any of it. A tough watch I reckon.
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