Well, we had our last little glimpse of Ballum happiness for a while! It’s angst from here on out, so brace yourselves.
Screencaps for this episode can be found here.
The morning after Ben’s mistaken identity moment with Peter, we see Kathy fussing over her grandson, who’s insisting he’s alright. Rocky backs him up, comparing him to the other guy who was in hospital for weeks (referring to Steve, of course.) But Kathy wonders who could do such a thing, going out attacking innocent people. It’s a bit on the nose, having her voiceover as Ben stares at the scene of the crime, now taped across and swarming with forensics. She’s saying things about him being a psycho, a monster, how she doesn’t understand. And of course she doesn’t, but it still stings a bit to hear these things said about Ben when it’s just not that simple. Peter was a (drunken) mistake, the others were motivated by his fear of himself or Callum getting killed due to the name calling escalating. It’s wrapped up in his poor mental health, but no one’s really picked up on the severity of it for a number of reasons.
And you can even see in our first glimpse of Ben that he looks awful. Those red rimmed eyes and hair out of place, like he hasn’t slept all night. He’s not remorseless, he just has to stand by his actions despite this mistake because up until now it’s been the thing keeping him sane, keeping him from falling apart – the feeling that he’s at least taking action against the people making him feel like this. And if he doesn’t have that, then he goes right back to hiding forever.
Callum approaches with his deduction that it’s the same attacker as last time, and I’m still a bit like ‘really?’ it was right outside the bar where I’m sure a lot of fights take place, and not hidden in the alley like last time. And no connection between the victims that they know of. But as before, we just have to go with it.
Jack approaches them from behind the police cordon, and he questions Ben about last night. I take it he reported it rather than just left the scene of the crime – another indication of the remorse he feels, because he didn’t even do that for his own brother when he found him in the Vic with his head bashed in that one time. I’m just saying.
Ben answers Jack’s question about whether he saw anyone acting suspiciously… very suspiciously. And Jack goes on to point out that this is the second attack he’s been close to – which I didn’t realise wasn’t news to Callum, as I assumed Jack had kept that hospital visit from him. He doesn’t look too concerned or suspicious himself though, and even swerves topic onto Peter himself, asking Jack if he’s seen Peter. And while Ben might be trying to look defiant, his eyes give away the fact he’s angsting away over this. And he turns shifty as Jack comments on the perpetrator getting sloppy, looking right at Ben as he says it won’t be long before they catch him. Callum’s oblivious to the unspoken insinuation, bidding Jack goodbye as he walks under the cordon to leave (there are a lot of forensics and police swarming around, isn’t there?)
Callum turns to Ben then and tells him that he’s not happy Ben stood him up for their anniversary yesterday, but when Ben starts to speak, adds that it’s fine – in the grand scheme of things, he’s just glad Ben is okay. Hm, have you seen him Callum? Ben can’t take his eyes off the crime scene even as Callum talks to him. He’s just very distant, and distracted. Even Callum suggesting lunch at Walford East doesn’t bring Ben back to him, and the most he gets is an eyebrow raise of acknowledgement when Callum says it might be good for them to spend a bit of time together, though he does agree in the end to come to the lunch. And with that Callum leaves Ben there, still staring at the place where he got it so wrong.
Callum’s trying, but he’s trying with things that aren’t going to work, at least not in the long run. He knows Ben is far away, and is trying to bring him back without actually confronting the reasons why. And he might not know all of the reasons, but he knows a bit. Mental health is a tricky thing for anyone to get their head around, especially if it’s resulting in unpalatable behaviour. Callum’s doing what he can but there is a naivety to it. Like if they sorted out their living situation and spent more time together then Ben might get out of his rut when unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.
Ben manages to tear his eyes away from the police cordon, only to zone out in the cafe instead. Kathy arriving pulls him out of it as he looks to her, and he just doesn’t know what to say to her. Kathy ends up speaking first, asking if Ben’s alright. His answer of yes sounds like it’s punched out of him, like he hates that Kathy’s asking it when he’s the one who hurt Peter. He tells Kathy he was going to come round but didn’t know how things were. And he gets to hear it now from Kathy, that Peter’s putting on a brave face but that whoever did it really did a number on him. And you know, I think as horrified as he is that he hurt Peter instead of the homophobe he was targeting, it’s seeing Kathy upset that’s even more distressing to him (sorry Peter.) His casual probe to see if Peter saw anything turns into trying to comfort Kathy as she talks about how Peter didn’t see anything. He acknowledges her distress and says that it’s horrible, and sick what happened. I mean, he’s not wrong – Ben is sick, in the ‘unwell’ sense.
When Jay arrives and hears from Kathy about the attack on Peter, and how they think it’s linked to the other attacks including Steve, he knows right away what that means, and he turns to look at Ben. Ben on the other hand deliberately avoids his eye as Kathy talks about the original Walford Attacker from 1987 – that’s a blast from the past.
Ben unintentionally points out the plot hole I’ve been going on about – that these attacks could be random, there’s no proof that any of them are linked. And I was a little amused that Kathy didn’t argue with him, because she couldn’t. From anyone’s point of view other than Ben’s, they are random attacks. It’s London, attacks happen on a regular basis.
Anyway, she suggests Ben pop round to theirs later, especially as Peter wants to thank him – and although he’ll of course be reluctant to do that, Ben agrees, telling her that he’s just got lunch with Callum first. I think he felt guilty enough with Steve’s mum, but Peter’s grandmother, his own mum, being affected by one of his attacks which was a mistake in the first place; it’s possibly a new level of guilt for him.
The Lewis and Howie scene didn’t really go as I thought – but there was still that general air of Lewis getting up into everyone’s business because he doesn’t appear to understand boundaries. It hurts to see him swanning around knowing what he’s capable of.
When Jay leaves the cafe and spots Ben, he makes a beeline for him. Ben on the other hand, sees him and changes direction, trying to shake him off. Jay’s determined though, and corners him about this latest attack. Ben tries to deny it, asking why he’d attack Peter, but Jay responds that he doesn’t know why he’d attack anyone. Um, yes you do?! Ben literally explained it to you. We don’t have to like his behaviour to understand it, and if there’s one thing Ben does have with everyone aside from Peter, it’s a clear motive.
Ben tries to leave the conversation, but Jay doesn’t let him, and asks him outright whether it was him or not. Under pressure Ben says no, and they have a stand off before Jay declares that he’s lying, because he knows Ben. He’s good, I’ll give him that. Ben tries again to deny it, but when Jay reframes his question – why Peter? – Ben accidentally confirms it was him by defending himself, saying it wasn’t meant to be Peter. In the face of Jay’s exasperation, Ben tries to explain that it was a homophobe laughing at Callum’s poster who was wearing the same hoodie as Peter, and it was him he was targeting. He stands by his intentions, telling Jay that if he’d gotten the right guy then he’d hope he was still in hospital.
Jay’s heard this sort of stuff from Ben before, when he’s stood by his actions; the scene that comes to my mind is the hospital scene from August 2019, and Ben’s trying to tell Jay that killing Heather made him stronger – it was an attempt to stand by his actions in trying to suffocate Phil, and it led to Jay leaving him there in disgust (for all of three minutes before being told by Lola to go back in.) He knows that someone needs to talk some sense into Ben, and he reveals that he nearly told Callum for that reason – which Ben is not happy to learn, and warns him not to say a word. It’s not the point Jay is trying to make though, and he reminds Ben of Kathy’s distress, point out that he did that. Ben insists it was a mistake, that won’t happen again. And not because he’s going to stop, but because he’ll make sure he gets the right person this time. It’s clear that it’s not rational, which is why Jay is so incredulous at his attitude. But that’s the point, it’s not meant to be. And Ben probably knows it’s not rational, but he has to cling to it as it’s his current coping method, and he doesn’t have anything else. He’s left to point out to Jay how dangerous it is just existing in the gay community in London; this is why he’s doing what he’s doing, why he thinks it’s the right thing. And why he can justify it in his head; because Jay just doesn’t understand, and he can never understand.
Naturally, Ben is very much distracted during his lunch with Callum. It’s only when Callum goes all Halfway in trying to drop some hints about the news he wants to tell Ben – the house salad, the house champagne, flat bread starter – that Ben can’t help but ask if Callum’s alright. Callum folds instantly and admits he can’t just keep dropping hints, and hands Ben an envelope to open. Ben jokingly (at least I think it’s jokingly) asks if Callum’s filing for divorce as he knows they’ve had a row. I wonder if that row was the one they had over the campaign or a more recent one we haven’t seen. Either way, not a good idea to jinx it Ben. Callum’s rushing to explain as Ben opens it up, telling him not to get annoyed that he’s gone behind Ben’s back but he’s got them 29B, it’s theirs if they want it.
Ben’s clearly a bit lost for words, but he remembers those hints Callum was dropping and calls him an idiot. Callum doesn’t let that faze him and fires back that he is a loveable one. I mean, true. He’s beaming and it’s like he’s trying to push that energy onto Ben, wants him to feel it too. Ben still doesn’t know what to say, especially when Callum starts to try and talk to him about how he hasn’t been himself lately. He mentions the poster and Ben taking things to heart, and he seems to want Ben to acknowledge that. Ben, of course, doesn’t want to, and although he says he’s alright; it’s whispered, and he looks so damn sad. I’m sure even Callum can see that, and he tries to tell Ben that he doesn’t have to say he’s alright. Ben replies that he doesn’t need cheering up or anything, referring to the flat – and Callum asks if that means he’s turning it down. Ben says no; and Callum’s hopefulness returns as he talks about how they’ve been married over a year and have never been on their own. Even before that, when Callum moved into the Mitchell house, they’d never had the place to themselves. It looks like it might be a bit of a daunting prospect for Ben even without everything else going on, because he’s usually surrounded by a dysfunctional family himself.
Callum’s pinning his hopes on this flat, that it’s what they need to get more time together and to be happy. He wants to believe it, and he wants Ben to believe it too. I can’t bear his little hopeful face, and it looks like Ben can’t either, as he tells Callum this anniversary present will be hard to top – he’s set a high bar for himself. Callum excitedly asks him if that’s a yes, and Ben tells him of course it is, with a genuine smile. And there is our brief moment of happiness. Just enough time for a mutual I Love You, and Callum practically beaming sun rays out of his face. If we could just bottle those smiles to get us through the next few months, that would be great.
Even at the start of this last scene, Ben is the one leading for a change, seemingly forgetting everything else for just a moment as he begins to tell Kathy about their news. However, he sees Jay, and he sees the look on their faces, and he knows pretty much straight away what has occurred. Of course it takes Callum a little longer to catch on as he asks what’s happened, and all Jay can do is tell Ben that he’s sorry but he had to do it – confirming Ben’s fears; he’s told Kathy everything. Ben doesn’t know what to do, mouth opening and then closing again, unsure how to navigate this.
Then he has Kathy in front of him, telling him to explain himself. And then Callum has to hear the truth – that Ben’s been attacking these people, including Peter. Maybe Jay didn’t explain everything because Kathy’s asking him why – though maybe it’s just meant to show that they still don’t get it, not really. And Ben gets his third duff duff of the week, camera on his face as he aims for stoic, but his watery eyes give him away. He knows things are about to fall apart.
We know it too. Hope you’re braced for tonight because I think it’s about to get very painful.
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