24th June, Ben Mitchell Bad

A double bill for Thursday, and it proved to be a bit of a rollercoaster for our boys.

Screencaps for Part 1 can be found here and those for Part 2 can be found here.

We start off with Ben returning to the flat after staying out all night – I know the car lot would have been a more comfortable option but I have an image of him going to sit in the Arches and falling asleep at the desk, maybe not meaning to stay there all night. And now he’s sheepishly returning home, remembering that he has Kheerat’s cash for Jags still in his pocket. In the cold light of day, I feel like he’s already regretting his snap decision without talking to Kheerat first. Or maybe just realising that he’ll have to confront Kheerat in order to give his money back. He’s also somehow upgraded his jacket to a coat overnight – but let’s pretend it was hanging in the Arches already for some reason, and it was a good thing too because that place can probably get quite chilly.
Callum leaves the bedroom after a good few seconds (I reckon he was perfecting his sad but dismissive look before walking out to confront Ben.) He gives Ben the Look, and when Ben sees it he can barely stand it, telling Callum not to give him that look. Those puppy dog eyes always get him.
Poor Callum though, sat up waiting for Ben not knowing he was going to stay out all night. He says he was ready to talk, and Ben fires back that maybe he didn’t feel like listening. And he didn’t, did he – he was hurt and felt like drowning his sorrows instead. Plus he had Kheerat’s betrayal on his mind too by that point. Sounds like he spent a lot of the night awake, trying to process things. And it seems as though he doesn’t really believe the conclusion he came to the night before after all, as he’s still wondering why Callum didn’t just tell him about Fitzy. Now that he’s sobered up I reckon he’s realised there could be more to it than just a fear of him asking Callum to quit again.
When Callum tries to explain again, he admits this time that he wasn’t thinking straight, but mentions the agreement not to talk about the job again, which frustrates Ben just as it did the night before. He doesn’t see how the job comes into it – it’s about Callum’s mate. He thinks that it’s just Callum feeling upset about what happened to Fitzy – until Callum winds up fighting back tears in the silence, and Ben sees that there’s more to it. He asks Callum if he was there, and even though Callum doesn’t answer, his lack of response is confirmation for Ben. And the fear from him is real at the thought that it really could have been Callum, going by his voice going all high pitched and panicky as he says this to him.
But when Callum replies that it should have been him, it stops Ben short. And he realises that it isn’t just Callum being upset that his friend got hurt, or fear that it could have been him instead – it’s an intense feeling of self blame because he thinks he’s the one who should be lying in the hospital bed, because it’s all his fault. Ben finally sees what Callum’s been struggling with – struggling to the extent that he says being in the hospital bed would be better than how he’s feeling at the moment – and suddenly he understands. He knows the feeling of wanting to take someone else’s place because of the guilt that comes from feeling responsible. I think Callum wanted to pretend Ben wouldn’t get it so he didn’t have to tell him – but he does get it. And with Callum finally letting Ben in, and Ben finally in listening mode; they turn a corner.

When we see them next, it’s clear that some talking has happened – Ben is as close as he can be using the Covid camera trickery, and his coat is now off, whole body turned towards Callum. He’s leaning back as Callum leans forwards, trying to look as open and inviting as possible as Callum not only tells Ben what happened, but how it made him feel. When Ben points out to Callum that he didn’t put the knife in the culprit’s hand, Callum points out in turn that he made the call to chase after the mugger in the first place, so in his mind it all comes down to him and Fitzy paid the price. He recalls his thoughts as Fitzy was lying on the pavement, thinking he was going to die there and then. And Ben just listens.
The thing with this is that I don’t think Callum actually needs comfort from Ben as such – he’s been getting that through their intimacy even if Ben didn’t know it – he needs understanding and the space to articulate these complicated feelings, without feeling silenced or that he’s being silly. The advice can come from the professionals but Ben just has to listen, and it’s clear that’s just what he’s been doing.
He tells Callum that he wishes he had told him, so he could have been there for him; plus it would have saved all this extra worry on both sides. At Callum’s little huff, Ben guesses he reckoned Ben would have just said ‘I told you so’. As it turns out, that was part of it. Callum knows Ben wouldn’t have said it but he’d have gotten the feeling that Ben was thinking it. He compares it to the Thompson stuff, that Ben said he’d forgiven Callum but the ongoing lack of trust making him feel like he hadn’t. Ben insists he meant it, but Callum’s not so sure. Forgiveness is only part of the process, there’s work (and communication) involved in building up the trust with each other again. Fitzy said it – marriage isn’t a magic wand. And they’re both starting to realise that. Callum acknowledges that although they’ve talked about what happened, they haven’t actually addressed how it’s affected them. We’ve seen it from both of them, trying to move past it without having to properly address it. They tried so hard to preserve those honeymoon vibes that it resulted in them both being too afraid to talk to each other properly. But now they’re both being honest and open and realistic, and it’s lovely.
Ben points out then that keeping secrets isn’t going to fix that trust, and goes on to explain how he’s been feeling recently too, that it drove him nuts knowing that something was wrong but not knowing what. And he highlights the kind of thing that can come out of their lack of communication – like Ben thinking Callum was thinking of getting back with Whitney. And what I liked was the way that was discussed as well; Ben knowing how it sounded as he said it, and then Callum’s little snort as he says ‘I think we’re past that’. Like the idea isn’t worth entertaining. And not only that, but it seemed to me that Callum knew Ben wasn’t doubting the fact that he’s gay, he just had a moment of madness where he thought Callum might be trying to go back into the closet – and when he says ‘past that’ he means past that point of pretending to be straight. And Ben gives him a little smile and says ‘yeah, probably’ – but it’s the point he’s making about what not talking to each other does, and how it can make things worse. They need to be honest with each other for their marriage to work – the love is there, of course it is, but they have to believe in each other and face the difficult things as well.
Ben says it’s the only thing he’s got left, so it has to work. Which I don’t actually think he means literally (Lexi still exists after all, and Kathy, and Jay). I rather think it’s reflective of the week he’s had; he’s starting to accept that his dad won’t ever come round now that he’s moved on, and by calling off Jags’ protection he’s written off his partnership with Kheerat as well. But this partnership, this marriage – it’s the one thing that has to work, as it’s the most important one to him. And of Ben’s three main relationships that have come under strain, it is the only one that’s left. Callum nods in understanding anyway, so he gets it, and he’s as committed as Ben is to making it work.
What I liked about this talk is that I got the impression neither of them felt they couldn’t say what they needed to, which was definitely a breakthrough for them. Callum talking about what happened and how he feels like Ben hasn’t forgiven him for the lies around the Thompson stuff; Ben talking about what’s been going through his mind as well. It felt healthy and honest and realistic to me. Plus I’m also totally convinced that Callum fell into Ben for a cuddle right after this scene – he’s in the perfect position to land on Ben’s chest.

Having sorted things out with Callum, there’s still the issue of Ben going back on the deal with Kheerat. And when Kheerat catches up to him in the market, I get the impression that Ben was going to tell Kheerat what he knows, and what he’s done as a result. However, Kheerat beats him to the punch and comes clean that he and Sharon were seeing each other for a few weeks, but he broke things off that morning. He owns it, admitting that he should have told Ben, but he knows what Ben thinks of Sharon, that he warned Kheerat to stay away but he didn’t. And he apologises, hoping it won’t damage the trust between them and their business arrangements. It’s the sort of thing Ben could have respected – the honesty. I always thought it was less about Kheerat seeing Sharon and more the fact he kept it from Ben, because that suggests that it is something they needed to hide and demonstrates a lack of trust in Ben. But it’s come too late, and Ben wonders why he’s decided to tell him now, and why he’s broken things off with Sharon.
It’s then revealed that he’s done it to put his family first, as Jags is a father now and Kheerat’s got to keep the family close together in order to support him. And Ben can’t bring himself to admit what he’s done – his anger at being betrayed gives way to guilt as Kheerat’s essentially fixed things and removed the bad feeling Ben was holding onto that made him feel justified in withdrawing the protection. All he can do is reluctantly pass on his congratulations, looking in any direction but at Kheerat.
Kheerat then amps up the guilt by expressing his gratitude for Ben’s part in keeping Jags safe and asking Ben if they’re good. And shoe’s on the other foot now, as Ben now has to pretend it’s all good, when in reality he’s the one who’s failed to keep up one side of a deal.
An oblivious Kheerat then goes on to joke that he hopes his mum will be as forgiving, which Ben smiles uncomfortably at in response. When Kheerat walks on, the war Ben’s having with himself is clear to see. I wonder if it’s even possible to get back in touch with his contact and reinstate the protection, but I fully believe that Ben would try, not because he thinks Jags is in danger, but to fix up the deal again now that Kheerat’s come clean and is under the impression that their business deals are unaffected.
But as it turns out, it’s too late anyway – as we learn from Suki in the last scene of the ep that Jags was attacked in his cell and has snuffed it. Whoops.

In our second Thursday instalment (which seems to be set the following day), Ben’s out on the market with his tote bag over his shoulder and a six pack of beer in his hand as he hesitantly approaches Whitney on her stall. He greets her and then waits for her reaction – or even just to see if she’ll speak to him or just ignore him. She does speak – to ask if he’s spoken to Callum, and gathers that Ben knows everything when he says that he has, and then she asks how Callum’s doing. Ben says he’s good; he’s going to look into getting an appointment for counselling, and in the meantime they thought they could watch some people shoot each other – holding up a bag of popcorn to show that he means on the telly, an attempt to come across light-hearted and jokey, but the poor guy ends up feeling awkward in the face of Whitney’s cold reaction. Whitney’s bound to see now that telling Ben was the best thing for Callum, not least for the fact that Callum now seems to be seeking professional help; after making out like he didn’t need any when Whitney suggested it. And she can also see that Ben’s putting the effort in to make Callum feel better, getting these supplies for an afternoon on the sofa, in the knowledge that she’s not Callum’s main confidant anymore. And on top of all that, Ben’s actually making the effort to approach her and apologise for how he spoke to her the other day. Something that I think demonstrates that he’s putting Callum first despite Whitney’s accusations of the contrary. He knows Callum’s feelings around Whitney and has always respected it. Plus, as painful as it was for him to be kept in the dark, there might even be part of him that’s grateful Callum was able to speak to someone, as opposed to telling no one at all.
Ben admits it wasn’t fair to kick off at her because he got the wrong end of the stick (ah, Ben, if only you knew what Whitney had done when she also got the wrong end of the stick…) and, in what I assume is some kind of truce, Whitney tells him she’s just glad Callum’s alright – which I guess is her saying the rest of it is forgotten. And Ben nods in agreement, because if there’s one thing they can agree on, it’s that.
Before he can walk away, Whitney calls him back, and in the most grudging way possible, admits that Ben approaching her was a nice thing to do, and goes on to say that he should check on his new mate Kheerat while he’s in the mood for it. Ben doesn’t know what she’s getting at, and Whitney’s surprised that he doesn’t know. I’m surprised that Whitney’s found out about Jags’ death before Ben has. Maybe it’s magical market trader knowledge. Or the fact she’s positioned right opposite the Minute Mart and possibly overheard some gossip seeing as the Panesars have probably taken the day off.

Instead of going straight home like he appeared to be doing earlier, we next see Ben working under a car at the Arches. I quite like this new established pattern that Ben goes to the Arches to do some work as a coping mechanism. At least, this is what I’m going to assume is the case here as opposed to it being a continuity blip. I like the thought of Ben deciding to go and fix up a car to try and feel better for how badly he feels he’s messed up the situation with Jags. That is until he sees Suki arriving to take a seat in the chair and jumps up to face her, knowing exactly why she’s here.
Suki puts the blame at his door, accusing him of not putting any worth into her son’s life. Ben tells her he’s been trying to get through to his guards all morning and they haven’t picked up – though I’m not sure that’s true. There wouldn’t be any point once he found out Jags was dead, but I think he’s pretending that he’s been trying to get to the bottom of how it happened – but he knows full well. I do think he’d been trying before that though, as I mentioned before, trying to reinstate the deal after Kheerat came clean to him. So, maybe a sort of half-lie there if he’d been trying that morning before he knew about Jags’ death.
Suki was always wary of Ben’s involvement in keeping Jags safe and she lets Ben know this, that she knew they couldn’t trust him. And Ben’s hardly going to admit that he pulled the protection, but he is right in saying that there’s no guarantee in prison, whether he’d kept that protection going or not. Whoever Jags had gotten into trouble with must have really wanted to get him, considering the short amount of time between the protection being pulled and him winding up dead in his cell. However, I think this scene is about establishing the guilt from both of them – Suki’s words to Ben about paying him to keep him safe do have an affect on him, which we see later on. And then when Kheerat arrives, he tells Suki that it’s not Ben’s fault Jags is dead, it’s theirs. And Suki’s reaction tells us that she knows that, she was just trying to place the blame on Ben so she didn’t have to face that.

Ben relocates to the flat, and has gotten stuck into the beers without Callum. I think after the news about Jags and the run in with Suki, Ben found that he needed the beers and the distraction as well, and so couldn’t wait for Callum when he was late returning. He had to give himself something to do.
When Callum does get back, he’s got a bunch of flowers in his hand, which is very cute. And I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s bought Ben flowers, but now we’ve seen both of them do it onscreen. I’m choosing to think that Callum decided to buy them to apologise for being late to their sofa date, which of course in the process made him even later. Yes, that is me manifesting a Halfway moment!
Of course, as soon as he sees Ben he realises that something’s wrong, that Ben didn’t wait for him before launching into the beers. When asked where he’s been, Callum explains he had to wait ages to see someone, but he’s now on the waiting list for counselling. And I’m guessing that wasn’t through the police because it didn’t take long at all for him to see someone after the car crash. Hard to really tell what’s up with the whole thing; if Callum’s on extended time off, if he’s back, if he’s out of it completely. You’d think if he had access to counselling through the police he’d go that route, but maybe he can’t for some reason. It all remains to be seen; much like Callum’s PTSD itself. He’s on the list for counselling, which is a good step in the right direction. And that could be the extent of what we see, now that the conflict around him not wanting to seek help or tell Ben is over. Although it’s the first time it’s been named as PTSD (and that was just according to Whitney), it’s been established that he’s experienced it before, so I reckon it’s being portrayed as something Callum always has, but it has flare ups when specific circumstances trigger it, such as feeling someone else has paid the price for something he did. And the intensity of it varies too, and in this case it’s been bad enough for him to need help, and he’s allowing himself to get that help. That said, he’s only on the list, so maybe it’s not quite over.
Ben asks if the flowers are for him, and I don’t doubt that he’s feeling he doesn’t deserve them, hence the lack of enthusiasm. Callum confirms they are for him, but passes comment on the fact that Ben’s started without him (which to me confirms that they were a ‘sorry I’m late for our date with some beer and Sons of Anarchy‘, as he sees that Ben didn’t wait for him anyway). We’re now in a situation where Callum can sense something’s wrong, and how they navigate it will prove whether they’ve learned from the last few weeks.
Callum tests the waters by suggesting they go out for lunch, saying it would be nice – and Ben’s not keen, replying that he thought they were staying in; which to me is him trying to pretend that wanting to stay in is still for Callum’s sake rather than something he now wants, or needs, to do. He’s soft in his dismissal of the idea, but it tells Callum that he’s obviously upset about something. And Callum addresses it head on – asking what he’s done. Ben’s reply of ‘nothing‘ is softer than the ‘nothing!’ he gives in reply when Callum asks what he’s done. Callum can tell which one is the truth and which one is the fib. Which is why his next question is whether it’s ‘bad, or Ben Mitchell bad.’ Callum knows him so well it hurts. He knows exactly what ‘Ben Mitchell Bad’ could entail, so he’s just asking whether he needs to make Ben a cup of tea, or whether he needs to dispose of some incriminating evidence.
Ben tells him it’s worse (though to be honest I think the bar was set when they both thought Ben had actually carried out a successful hit on Keanu). Neither of them speak for a few seconds, Callum waiting for Ben to elaborate – and then he does. He tells Callum that he called off Jags’ protection and now he’s dead. He watches Callum’s reaction, who’s a bit stunned I think, and Ben’s head hits the back of the sofa as he processes the pickle he’s in. Look at that though, communication! Callum even clearly knows about the arrangement regarding Jags, with Ben not having to explain anything. It’s honesty era, I can feel it.

When we cut back to Ballum, a few more beers are seen to have been consumed, with one now in Callum’s hand as well. Ben’s staring at the ceiling, worrying about the mess he’s in. Callum asks if the Panesars know – and Ben points out he’s still breathing, so clearly not. When asked why he canceled the protection, Ben blames no one but himself, claiming he’s an idiot, and also admits he didn’t think anything was going to happen. Thing is Ben’s been in prison before – but he survived it. He didn’t have a good experience and was picked on, but obviously he didn’t have anyone literally gunning for his blood like it seems Jags did. And Kheerat didn’t tell him it was life or death, so how could he know?
Callum fires another question at Ben, regarding what he’s told the Panesars – what do they know, if they don’t know the truth? And Ben tells him what he said, that protection isn’t a guarantee, with a little shrug suggesting he doesn’t think that gets him off the hook. But Callum’s quick to tell him that it is true, maintaining that if someone wanted Jags dead, they’d have found a way, even with Ben’s protection in place. Callum hears that all too familiar self-blame coming from Ben and shakes his head against it. Then he hears the fear from Ben about what would happen if the Panesars found out (a very real fear because he knows the Panesars have the means and contacts to do it), and we’re straight into protective husband mode, with Callum deciding that they will make sure they never find out. Which is, of course, a sign that they will at some point, but we won’t begrudge Callum his moment, especially as it earns him the duff duff. And especially as it’s probably just what he feels he needs – an opportunity to keep someone he loves safe, and succeed at it. And what better way to distract himself from his own guilt and feelings of helplessness over Fitzy than throwing himself into sorting things for Ben? It’s interesting, and definitely not a coincidence, that Ben’s in this situation right after Callum was in a similar one – feeling at fault for what’s happened to someone else, even though other, bigger factors were at play.
I love the way Ben looks at Callum for the longest moment after his declaration, as if looking for something, and once he finds whatever it is, his curiosity gives way to acceptance as he nods his head in agreement. Like a pact being made. Criminal husbands rise!

So yeah, a lot in these two episodes. But I really appreciated our content; it felt like Ben and Callum learning and growing as a couple, working on their issues around communication and putting it into action. I’m proud of them!