4th May, together forever

Guys!!! The pain. The angst. It didn’t go how I expected but it made so much sense character wise. Let’s get into it!

Screencaps for this episode can be found here.

We pick up right where we left off in the previous ep, with Ben moving from the kitchen to the front room in the wake of Callum’s revelation that he lied, and was out to get Phil. He’s quiet, stunned, and Callum follows him in, pleading for Ben to let him explain. I have to be honest, this initial discussion about Callum’s betrayal didn’t quite land for me, as it was really quite complicated and I think Ben’s knowledge of what happened, the truthful part of what he was told in January, was maybe omitted a little. But I also suppose one could write that off as him questioning everything Callum told him back then – was he really forced to do it? Did he really do it for Ben? If he lied about this did he lie about everything?
So first of all, we see anger from Ben on Phil’s behalf – talking about Callum stabbing Phil in the back after he put a roof over his head. But he does take an interest in whose idea it was, if it wasn’t Callum’s. Callum seems to think it’s not important, and he delays in answering, which results in a shouty Ben slamming his hand against the table, letting out some of the frustration and distress that he feels. I like to think he already knew (and, if he’d remembered January when Callum told him the original proposed plan was that he and Thompson get evidence on Phil, then he surely did) and just wanted Callum to say it. Or maybe hoping he wouldn’t say it, wouldn’t confirm his fears that Callum really has picked being a copper over him. I don’t think Ben’s meant to know (or remember/realise) at this point that Callum did it for him; that, or he’s choosing to focus on the betrayal of Phil for now. And, as is typical in soap, Callum’s not doing a great job of explaining things, about just how corrupt and awful Thompson really was to him. Ben doesn’t get his own worth, especially going up against Phil’s, but hearing what Thompson did to Callum, and threatened to do, would be a different story altogether.
But anyway, Callum comes out with it, that it was Thompson who orchestrated it – a small, broken confession, having to admit that he his boss had the power over him. For Ben, the walls visibly come up as he adjusts his jacket and chuckles humourlessly. The wall is very flimsy of course; his pain, and the tears in his eyes, are clear for anyone to see.
Callum scoffs at the suggestion of him and Thompson cooking the idea up, like the very thought offends (as it should.) And I’m actually starting to wonder if Ben is simply refusing to think about Callum’s motivation because if he does, then it opens a can of worms he’s trying not to open (a can which Kathy rather effortlessly opens later on.) Right now he’s trying to deal with a lot as it is; going from being so happy to everything coming apart in front of him, first hearing Callum question him over Kush and then right into revealing he’s been lying to him. A safety net being pulled away.
Callum tries to explain how Thompson had him bent over a barrel, he had no choice but to go along with it, as Ben looks fraught, wide eyes and grinding teeth. Ben asks what he’s told Thompson; and I think Callum’s affronted at the question, possibly because it implies Callum’s told Thompson things about them, their relationship. That, or that the whole thing is still going on, as I guess for all Ben knows it could be. Ben seems to confirm that line of thinking when he seeks to confirm this is all over Hardcastle (so he remembers some bits from January then) and asks how long it’s been going on. Callum assures him it wasn’t long (felt like it though, right?) and that it’s over, because Jack helped him. Which is hardly great news for Ben to hear. I am surprised it’s news though, considering Jack’s involvement in January and the fact that if he was lying then then he must be in on it. It’s more muddy waters in terms of the details and how much Ben’s supposed to know.
Callum insists he’d have stopped it sooner if he could, that Ben knows he would, because Ben knows him, still knows him. He didn’t have a choice. Except, as Ben shouts, he could have told him, and should have. Ugh, it’s gut-wrenching, the pain in Ben’s voice. And it’s the kicker, that Callum chose to keep it from him. Worse, that he led Ben to believe he was telling him the truth back in January, a half truth that made him look like he had it all in hand, that placed him higher on that pedestal Ben puts him on, that led Ben to think about marrying him. That’s the foundation Ben thinks their impending marriage is on, and to realise it must be a horrible feeling.
Callum can see his distress, and he couldn’t be more sorry for causing it. But after his outburst, Ben seems to close off. He tells Callum he’s good for having them all fooled. In fact, he calls Callum good three times, like he can’t stop saying it. And knowing what’s to come, I can’t help but see a double meaning in this. Especially as Callum squints at him in confusion, at the implication that he’s a master of deception. But Ben’s struggling to reconcile the news that Callum’s lied to him with his perception of Callum as someone who can’t put a foot wrong.
Ben turns away from him then, to face the window, hiding the battle he’s fighting with his face. And the tear. The tear!! It falls as he talks about how for the first time in his life he felt like he wasn’t alone, because he had Callum by his side. But Callum’s revelation has put that into question for him, and it must hurt immensely. To think that he might not know Callum as well as he thought, that person who offsets everyone else who tells him he’s no good. We’ve talked about Callum’s doubts, and we’re heading into Ben’s now, where he might be doubting other things Callum has told him. Which we actually see start to happen as Callum tries to tell Ben that he knows Callum would never set out to hurt him, and Ben points out through a clenched jaw that he doesn’t know that actually.
Callum doesn’t know quite what to say to that, his little upset face watching as Ben takes a seat and declares that all he knows is the man he shares his bed with is a grass. He hisses out the word, and the sentence as a whole is provocative, Ben lashing out via old ways he’s most familiar with – his sexuality, and that number one Mitchell family rule: you don’t grass. Poor man’s got a stress headache now.

Callum must leave to compose himself, or for Ben to chill for a bit, because when we cut back to them, he’s returning to the room, approaching Ben with purpose. Ben senses him coming and is unwilling to listen to what Callum’s got to say. But tough, because Callum’s going to say it anyway. I think it startles Ben, almost like he can’t believe the cheek of it, but it gets him to look back at Callum as he tells Ben that Thompson was going to put him away for years if Callum didn’t do what he said – that aspect of what he told Ben in January is true, he did it for him. He wasn’t going to let Ben go to prison, it was the only thing he was sure of. But Ben is still thinking about the lie, the fact that Callum kept the full truth back from him while Ben’s told him things he’s never told anyone else. He’s starting to question his vulnerability, his openness, wondering why it doesn’t seem like Callum’s been doing the same. Callum admits he was scared, but doesn’t clarify what he was scared of (which, as we know, was losing Ben.) Ben might have interpreted it as him being scared of him, of what he’d do – and after the doubts he knows Callum had over Kush, it seems a likely train of thought for him. Ben starts to talk about what would happen if his dad finds out, but Callum interrupts him; he doesn’t care, he’ll go and tell him himself if needs be. He’ll take whatever consequences there are as long as Ben stops looking at him like that. Ben’s always been the most important thing.
Callum goes on to say that he could have kept it quiet, and Ben would never have known any different – but his own conscience stopped him from doing that. He didn’t want to go into marriage on a lie, didn’t want to lie in his vows about being honest.
Ben is struggling, not sure what to do or what to say. But he’s hurting, and like in the previous scene, he appears to fall back on things that he’s used to, things that Phil drums into him about family loyalty. And so he Others Callum – tells him he betrayed his family. Which hurts Callum because he felt like a part of the family, was even referred to as such. When Ben asks how he could do that, he’s genuinely wondering. What made Callum lie to him and act in a way that isn’t consistent with how he views Callum?
Because we all know Ben’s betrayed the family several times over. Has even made a few attempts on Phil’s life, wanted to destroy him at one point. And he’s kept things from Callum in the past. But the point is he thinks Callum is better than that, better than him. That pedestal, remember? And another thing that strikes me about these scenes is that Callum never once tries to turn the blame onto Ben. He owns what he did even as he’s trying to explain it – never for a second does he point out that it led from Ben not being honest himself about the warehouse, or suggest any of it is his fault. Even when telling Ben it was to keep him out of prison, it’s because he couldn’t let that happen; he’s not expecting a thank you and doesn’t want one. He just wants to fix things, wants them to be okay. And he knows how hard Ben’s been trying since the warehouse incident, which serves to make it worse for the both of them.

Ben turning up to the Beale house was unexpected. Kathy’s returned from picking up the rings (and there they are, sitting on the arm of the chair!) and when Ben arrives, she’d just been talking to Bobby about love, and how some things are meant to be. She points out to Bobby how long it took Ben to find The One. Unfortunately her timing is way off. She picks up on his mood and sarcastically comments on his lack of appreciation for traipsing round London to get his wedding rings – but when he replies that she needn’t have bothered, she realises then that something’s wrong between him and Callum, and tells Bobby to give them a minute. I think Ben would have been better speaking to Bobby in hindsight, actually.
She sits across from Ben, watches him slumped back on the sofa, no doubt sees the tear stains that are still on his face – and begins by concluding he and Callum have fallen out. And it’s dismissive in tone from the very beginning, really. Instead of asking what happened, why’s Ben upset, is he okay… she asks him what he’s done this time. He came to his mum for help, and she instantly puts the blame on him without knowing anything about what really happened. A pattern that every single person tends to repeat – apart from Callum. Callum’s power to offset all of those negative assumptions about Ben is wavering because Ben’s found out he’d been lying to him.
Ben notes the assumption that he’s always the bad guy (which Kathy doesn’t protest), and tells Kathy that Callum’s been lying to him. Kathy highlights how out of character it sounds for Callum to be keeping a secret from Ben, when he can’t even keep one from Lexi. Ben replies that maybe she doesn’t know him as well as she thinks – voicing his own fear that he doesn’t know Callum, that one person he thought he could count on, who tells him he’s amazing and better than what everyone says.
And on top of that fear, he has his mum telling him she knows what Ben’s like – questioning his innocence in the whole thing. He sarcastically thanks her for the support, but she sticks to her guns, pointing out that it takes two to tango. She means well, but she contributes to Ben’s hate spiral in a way that Callum knew not to, because he knows Ben.
Kathy urges him to go and sort things out, because Callum’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. That if he screws it up he’ll regret it for the rest of his life. But in that self loathing fog that’s descended upon him, all he hears is that he’ll screw Callum up, and regret it for the rest of his life.
Kathy told Callum last year that he was the best thing to happen to Ben as well. Phil has told Callum that he’s good for Ben, and Lola and Jay have as well. Compare that to what people have said to Ben; constantly warning him not to mess it up – Stuart, Whitney, Kathy. No one, apart from Callum, has told Ben that he’s the best thing to happen to Callum in turn. No one acknowledges the change in Callum, how confident and happy he is, and how that’s Ben’s doing. And when Ben hears from Kathy, someone who’s meant to be on his side, that ruining things is just what he does, how can he push back when everyone else thinks the same thing? Everyone except the man who he’s just found out has been keeping things from him?

Ben’s left Callum stewing in the meantime, in the Mitchell kitchen with a fist to his mouth and shoulders slumped. He jerks to attention when he hears the door opening, and wrings his hands – waiting for Ben to say something when he appears. There’s a silence as Ben sneaks a glance to the door to check they’re alone, and back to Callum, and then down to the wedding rings that he’s got in his hands now. It’s such a painful image – Ben looking defeated and sad, in the outfit he wore to impress Callum’s nan, holding their rings and barely able to look his fiancé in the eye.
He motions to the rings and quotes “together forever”, implying that’s what he’s got engraved as he refers to himself as a soppy git. Callum doesn’t respond, but looks at him with a mixture of trepidation and utter fondness, and maybe hope that they can get back on track.
However, it starts to become clear where Ben’s head is at when he sighs, and asks what he’s done to Callum, casting the blame onto himself as Kathy had done (she has a lot to answer for, I tell you.) Callum responds that he hasn’t done much, just made him happy. Which makes me so emotional because that is everything. Happiness is the one thing Callum didn’t have and Ben gave that to him.
Ben points out that when they first met, Callum was a sweet, gorgeous boy who was a rubbish liar. Innocence is heavily implied with the choice of words here, innocence and purity that Ben’s infected. Callum’s confession didn’t bring him off that pedestal, he’s still up there as Ben’s view of them as good/bad runs deeper than anticipated, as he takes Callum’s secret as proof that he’s had a bad influence on him. He doesn’t seem to realise that when he met Callum, that was an act; Callum was afraid, and he was lonely and he was unhappy. Ben’s given him immeasurable strength and confidence and happiness, but Ben is refusing to believe he can have that affect on anyone right now. To him, it must feel like his effort to be honest and good came too late, that he already led Callum into making the same mistakes he did. That it’s innate in him, his badness.
Callum tries to fight back against this, insisting he knew what he was doing and it wasn’t down to Ben. He can see where it’s going, the spiralling he tried to prevent (and fights against all the time) but Ben’s made his mind up, that it is his fault. Callum reminds him that they agreed not to let ‘this job’ come between them; ‘this job’ being Callum’s job in the police, but the way he says it makes it sound impersonal – because as we have been shown, the job pales into insignificance when it’s a choice between it or Ben.
Ben tells him it’s not about the job. It’s not even about Callum’s betrayal. When he says ‘I’m no good for you’ – it deliberately feels like deja vu. Because it’s an opinion Ben has that has never gone away throughout their entire relationship, even when things were going well. There are countless times when Ben’s referred to himself as bad and Callum as good – when Callum was trying to get Ben to go out with him, when they broke up, when they reunited, when Ben found Callum in the warehouse, when Ben worried about Callum doing jobs for Phil. It’s a constant thread that Callum pushes back against, but Ben has yet to see it for himself, yet to acknowledge that he is as good for Callum as Callum is for him. Even during the proposal episode, we had Ben distracted by his grand plans to really take in what Callum was saying to him about all the good he’s done for him, then we had Ben telling Callum he’s struck so lucky (language that makes it sound like he doesn’t feel he’s earned Callum’s love), then we had Callum getting interrupted just as he was telling Ben he’s not perfect. Which feels more significant now.
Callum’s never been perfect. He arrived onto the Square with a gun in his hand! He is lovely and sweet, but has always had an edge. He has a strong moral compass, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t make mistakes. He fights against his instincts to run and hide, and faces the music. And Ben helped him do that.
Anyway, it pains Callum as much as it pains us to hear Ben say those words, and he tells Ben he is good for him, says again how he didn’t know who he was before Ben. But Ben doesn’t want to hear it – he’s convinced he will hurt Callum, even though he’ll try not to. Which is so, so sad, because it means he feels there’s something fundamentally wrong with him, that he’ll ruin Callum without even meaning to, and maybe already has. He tries to insist Callum knows that as well, but Callum’s still protesting – shaking his head and saying ‘no’ in the face of Ben trying to tell him he doesn’t deserve him. He fights hard against Ben’s words, telling him that they are getting married, they’re going to be together, the two of them together forever just like the ring inscription says. Ben can’t bear it, asking him to stop, but Callum’s not stopping. He yells out the question ‘do you love me?’ because he knows with absolute certainty that Ben does. He’s daring him to say otherwise. This isn’t like the Christmas break up – Ben can’t take back the truth, and the certainty Callum has that they love each other is enough for him to believe they’ll get through this.
And of course Ben can’t deny it. He takes a look at Callum and can’t say no. His nod is barely perceptible but it’s there and Callum grasps onto it. He insists that they can get through anything together, echoing his words from the proposal ep that together they can take on the world. Callum says again that they’re getting married, and is about to say something about their wedding when Ben stops him. I personally reckon he was gonna say their wedding is going to be perfect, but that’s just my opinion. He waits for Ben to speak, distress on his face, and Ben whispers that there ain’t gonna be no wedding. Oh Ben. Say it ain’t so!

I can forgive the muddiness of the confession, what Ben was meant to know and what we’re supposed to think he was told. Because as it turned out, the details of it didn’t matter – it’s what it led to, opening this can of worms, an element of Ballum’s relationship that’s never been properly resolved. I can see that they wanted both elements – Callum’s January confession setting up the marriage thoughts and placing him even higher on that pedestal I keep going on about; and his Monday confession being the big moment that leads to Ben spiralling into self loathing. They just didn’t marry together perfectly. That’s okay though, because next week we will have Ballum marrying together perfectly instead. I believe in them!