Hey guys! How heartbreaking was last night? I feel so sad for Callum, the weight of all that stress, guilt and pain must be crushing. But there were some hopeful moments too. And seeing Callum get so much screentime was a delight. So here we go!
Screencaps for this episode can be found here.
Real nice of EE to start off the ep with Callum cradling the hat once more. This really gets me, because obviously Callum hasn’t seen Chris for a long time – and he’s been trying his best to repress his feelings and the fact he doesn’t love Whitney in that way – but he’s still kept this hat, is protective of it, and seems to get comfort out of its touch. This is the only thing he has to remind him of Chris and doesn’t want to share it with anyone. So of course, when Whitney comes in, the hat is quickly hidden under the pillow. Callum’s rushing off to work, avoiding the breakfast Whitney’s made and getting annoyed by her insistence he has time to eat something. I feel he is both irritated that she intruded on his quiet moment of thinking (not that she was to know), and maybe a bit guilty that she’s fussing over him when his mind is on this man he loved and lost.
At the parlour, Callum is distracted. It can’t be easy working in a funeral home whilst thinking of your dead ex-love. He is once again using the furniture as a support mechanism. Jay muses about people buying flashy coffins for loved ones even though they won’t know about it, and how it’s a sign of regret they didn’t tell them they were loved when they were alive – sound relevant to anyone we know? Callum reads a text from Vicky, who’s hoping he comes along to the memorial, and then Jay tells him he doesn’t care what he’s buried in as long as the people he cares about are there. It’s almost like Jay knows! It hits home for Callum anyway, and he tells Jay he’s got to go – and even nabs some flowers from the table on his way out. Leaving your boss in the lurch; I’d say I hope he’s not fired, but Jay is just too nice for that, and also he can’t afford the loss of staff, lol.
Of course, we knew where Callum was headed with those flowers, and here he is, outside the place the memorial is taking place, carrier bag in one hand. The war in his mind between ignoring his feelings and the need to pay his respects is probably pretty strong right now as he descends the steps.
Inside the memorial, Callum is spotted by Hugh, who talks about how Callum and Chris were inseparable. He refers to Callum as Halfway several times, just to remind us that he’s H, and even teases that he thought they’d make a nice couple. Tony does an amazing job here of showing Callum’s extreme discomfort at Hugh being so close to the truth and trying to keep up the pretense. And Callum, of course, turns the conversation away from Chris and tells Hugh he’s engaged – Hugh, of course assuming it’s a women, asks where she is. Another lie as he says she couldn’t get the time off work. Neither could you, Callum, but you left anyway!
Hugh invites him over to see ‘the lads’ – and clearly Callum would rather not. The fact that he can’t feel he can properly grieve in front of anyone is a fact that hurts my heart. Not only are his army mates in the room, there’s also a huge picture of his lost love, wearing the hat he clutches when he’s upset. The second Hugh walks way, Callum’s face crumples and you can see just how hard it is for him to pretend he and Chris were just mates. The exhaustion and the stress really came across and I can’t praise Tony enough for it. Ben’s words come back to me here: “Hard? Yeah, if you call it hard living a lie.”
Callum sits at the edge of the room, looking on as his old friends greet each other. Also take note, he’s taken Chris’ cap out of the bag and is holding it once more as a source of comfort, or strength. I think he wants to greet his friends, but at the same time, the thought of having to do more pretending is too much for him. Then Vicky spots him, pleased he came. Not ready to admit the truth to Vicky (even though it’s pretty obvious she knows), he says you got to do what you can for your mates. “I just hope he knows how much… everyone thought of him.” That pause though.
Vicky suggests he say a few words, and Callum flails a bit, laments that he’s not good at public speaking (so relatable though). She gently pushes, suggesting he speak from the heart, but Callum just can’t. I really like Vicky, she’s kind and is trying not to push him even though she wants him to come clean about being the subject of her brother’s letters. Her encouragement doesn’t feel too forceful which she knows might scare him away. Callum reaches his breaking point when trying to hand back Chris’ hat – he has every intention of a casual ‘oh here, by the way, I guess I accidentally had Chris’ beret lol’, but in the middle of passing it to Vicky he freezes. And I swear his hand shakes (or it would be if he weren’t holding on so tightly). This was a moment that really punched me in the gut – he’s really trying to feign indifference but the thought of losing his only anchor to Chris overwhelms him, and Vicky can see it too. He backs away, saying he can’t do it. I noticed Hugh looks up when Vicky calls after him – I did wonder if maybe he knew as well.
Callum arrives back at the flat, and Whitney, having been told by Jay he upped and left in the middle of work, is a little pissed. Callum’s already vulnerable and he’s caught off guard by the questions about why his phone was turned off and why he wasn’t at work – and he’s a terrible liar anyway. Sorting things for the wedding when he was afraid to touch some wedding mags last week? Okay honey.
Whitney outright asks him if he’s cheating on her – at least he can answer that with relative honesty, as he isn’t. “Why would I ever cheat on you?” Because you’re gay, my darling, for a start.
Whitney says she ‘knows what she saw’ yesterday when Callum was hugging Vicky. No idea when a hug became an indication of cheating, but Whitney has noticed Callum’s reluctance regarding the wedding, and this is a plot device to push Callum into admitting where he really was, so we’ll roll with it. When Whitney suggests Callum doesn’t want to marry her, he doesn’t deny it, just reiterates that he’s not cheating on her. He finally gets out that his mate from the army is dead. Of course there’s more to it than that, but he’s hardly going to tell Whit when he can’t even tell himself. Good way of getting her off his back though.
Callum and Whit talk, with Whitney trying to be supportive despite being hurt that Callum felt he couldn’t tell her about Chris. We know why he didn’t want to, but she doesn’t. Callum says it was awkward anyway with the guys from the army, and Whitney assumes they were saying things about him being discharged and he doesn’t correct her. “You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.” I wish Callum could see that. She tells him what a big heart he has and she can’t wait to stand up in front of everyone and tell them how much she loves him. Callum struggles with this and tells Whitney he needs air – and some time. I figured in this moment he was thinking about what Vicky said about speaking from the heart and realising he needed to go back and do that. And of course the guilt from not feeling the same as Whitney also comes into play.
And so Callum returns to speak to an understanding and patient Vicky. He admits the letters are about him; and Vicky is pleased, as I’m sure from what Chris told her, she knows how hard it must have been for Callum to acknowledge it. She holds his cheek as a sign of reassurance and it’s really cute. She’s proud of this guy who she must feel she knows, based on what she’s read about him.
This last scene of the ep is the best one, and it’s beautiful. Callum finally has someone to talk to, and he takes the opportunity to talk about his feelings for Chris. We get confirmation that nothing happened, but they clicked, and Callum talks about seeing Chris for the first time; how good it felt even though he didn’t understand it, but he pushed it away because he didn’t know how to deal with it. And the kicker – he wishes he could have spoken to him about it, and now he never will. That sounds like progress to me – a sign that he doesn’t want to repress his feelings forever, that there is a chance that he would want to express his feelings for someone if they ever came along (coughBENcough). Now that he knows you don’t get forever, that your chance could be snuffed out before you get to grab onto it, I think there’s been a shift in his mindset.
Vicky tells him Chris knew he wasn’t ready and didn’t want to scare him. Vicky had this knowledge when she came looking for Callum, probably having the same fear that he wouldn’t open up, but she was so good at encouraging him to admit as much as he did.
“I’m getting married soon… to a woman.” They both react to this negatively. Vicky pulls away and Callum drops his head. They both know he’s not doing the right thing, and Callum doesn’t explain any further because he knows she knows. No pretense needed.
Vicky takes out the letters her brother wrote to her and gives them to Callum. She wants him to know how much Chris thought of him. He gets the beret back too, which I’m sure he’s relieved by. She kisses him on the forehead and tells him to never forget Chris. Which leaves you wondering how on earth he’s going to have the strength to go through with the wedding after that. And especially if he reads the letters Chris wrote. Perhaps these will end up giving him courage down the line, and he’ll want to make Chris proud. You do get the sense that this is a turning point, and with the knowledge that life’s too short to waste, when he and Ben get going again he might do things differently.
He’s not there yet, but the step he took to acknowledge his feelings, not only to himself but to another person, was huge for him, after a lifetime of repression. Think of how long he’s been dealing with that all by himself – no wonder he feels so lonely. Another shout out to Tony Clay for an incredibly nuanced, emotional performance as Callum. It was great to see him acknowledging some of the praise last night – no less than he deserves!
So Callum has these letters in his possession now – will they be important later on? We’ve just gotten word that Whitney makes an ‘interesting discovery’ on the 26th – could she find the letters? Certainly a possibility. Another, more fanfiction-esque idea involving the letters – Callum tells Ben all about Chris, but can’t bring himself to read the letters so gets Ben to read one out. Wouldn’t that be adorable. Callum hearing what Chris thought of him while Ben gets to learn more about Callum through Chris. Possibly a pipe dream, but then again, the hat belonging to his dead ex-love was also a fanfic-esque idea but it turned out to be right on the money.
As far as Ballum content goes for tomorrow and Friday, there’s not much revealed in the spoilers – Whitney checks on Callum tomorrow, and Callum gives Bobby advice on Friday. No Ben mentions, but he could well pop up. They’re going to spring Ballum on us when we least expect it, I’m sure. Buckle up, kids!
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